I've come to the conclusion that I'm basically just a hot mess. I'm a happy, in love hot mess but a hot mess all the same. I have got to learn to let things go. And cut myself some slack. 32 is too young to give myself a self induced heart attack because I didn't get to the 3rd load of laundry after work tonight. And perhaps it's been a few (dozen) days since I've vacuumed, it's been a few (dozen) weeks since I've sold a house and I'm half passed crazy most of the time but.....I'm still happy.
"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust." Hopefully. It's a song by Gunger that I listen to on repeat. Just ask Jason. Drives him batty. I've been emotional (shocking I know) and down on myself lately. Satan does this thing that whenever I'm headed somewhere really good, he trips me. And when I get back up and keep moving forward, he throws a boulder in my path. And when I keep climbing over it to keep on keeping on, he soaps up the road so I slip and fall on my face. Well I literally almost did fall on my face but it was because I slipped in paint in my high heels when I was showing a house this weekend. I digress. Kinda, paints a good visual. So I've been moving forward with my handsome husband, getting the kids back into the school routine, working, trying to juggle and just feeling overwhelmed with too much. Because I'm a control freak. Admitting is the first step.
So I decided to fast and pray for things that have been heavy on my heart. So as with anytime you fast and pray so much for someone or something, it's made me super emotional about a lot of things and just really trying to let it go so it doesnt bring me down but not really being able to forget about things that hurt and frustrate and make me crazy because after all this is my life and there are people in it who are hurting. I know I can't control that. It's a stumbling block I continue to trip over. I also need to learn to just breathe. Clearly.
"All this pain, I wonder if I’ll ever find my way, I wonder if my life could really change at all. All this earth, Could all that is lost ever be found, Could a garden come up from this ground at all."
I've had some really good news and some not so great news lately. Some really exciting things happening and some things that make me honestly want to beat my head against the wall. Well if I'm being honest, want to beat someone else's head(s) against the wall. But regardless, one of my biggest worries that I couldnt wrap my brain around was answered by prayers and trusting and bam, God shows me once again to let go of stuff out of my control.
With work I havent sold anything in way too long and it's weighing heavily on me. I'm doing all I can but it doesnt seem enough when it's not producing sales. Until last week when I had a prospect ask if I could do something for her and I said yes, sure, what, and she asked me to pray for her. So I realized sometimes it's about more than selling houses to people.
My husband is a saint. I swear, and I know I'm preaching to the choir here, how different it is being married to a loving, caring, loving, kind man after being married to such a miserable person first. I have been emotional and crying and down on myself because of a lot of different things and work and just not really feeling good about myself and instead of telling me to stop having a pity party and snap out of it, he set me down and made me look him in the eyes as he told me that he was tired of seeing his beautiful, caring, loving, funny wife sad. (Do you know how hard it is to stop crying when the man you love more than anything is sitting in front of you making you look him in the eyes telling you to trust him and let him help? It aint easy!) And that I didnt have to carry everything on my own shoulders, that he was there to take that worry off me. And he meant it. And I believed him. How blessed am I?
So, in between my weight fluctuating up and down, crying all the time and being neurotic about just about everything I am still happy. Because when I do stumble I have a very handsome, loving man to pick me up. When I'm frustrated and sad because I refuse to let go and release worries, I have a God that gives me grace and forgives me. And when I don't understand everything going on in my life, I still know that God makes beautiful things out of us. And I'm so beyond blessed!