Monday, July 25, 2011

Ebbs and Flows

Writer's block.

This could be a whole lot of nothing coming out but I feel like I'm about to bust! I have so much going on inside this head of mine. This is usually my outlet and it seems clogged.

I haven't sold a house in a long time. Months. Actually I guess that's not true. I've sold 5 or 6 houses but the contracts haven't come together for one reason or another. Get so close then they get a bigger incentive, or their house didn't sell, or a better offer came along in their eyes and they couldn't justify not taking what others were offering, even when they loved mine more, because the other deal looked too good to pass up. Stressed, worrying, clawing, pacing. Getting me nowhere. Back to the basics. You do what you know to do and the sales will come.

I've lost touch with people in my life. Friends, family, co-workers, J. Some expected, some not. Some hurt more than others. I'm moving in a different direction then some. Some have chosen to take themselves out of my life for reasons I still don't know. Some I've decided to take out of mine. You don't get a manual for how to "Break up" with people. There's not a "They're just not that into you" guide for people who have made the choice not to bring you along on their journey.

For a long time I've had a hard time letting go. I've placed the burden of keeping relationships together on my shoulders. It's sad when you let people go. It's sad when you are let go. I've been disappointed by some, I've been surprised by others. I know I've let people down, I've been let down. When you pray for friends, when you pray for direction, when you pray for guidance, it might surprise you where the answers come from. A facebook friend you haven't seen in 20 years, a person you sold a house to years ago or someone you've never even met.

Last night I went to dinner with Jason, my parents and aunt and uncle. We sat on the back porch laughing and telling stories and sharing memories. And there was nowhere else I'd have rather been. This evening me and Jason went to dinner and the grocery store after work. We put groceries away, talked to the kids on facetime. My life has changed. My nights have changed. Girls nights have been traded for tball games and dance practices. Sunday Fundays have been traded for church and work. Date nights are now with one man, who I love more and more everyday and talks about the future aren't pipe dreams, they will be our reality.

I guess the ebbs and flows of life will always be there. Frustration one minute, laughter the next. Tears of sadness then tears of joy. I don't have as much time now as I did a year ago. I am married, with children, with a demanding job. That doesn't leave a lot of time in between for much else. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing. I feel like the balls I'm juggling are crashing.

What you focus on becomes your giant. I'm going to start focusing on being the best wife, mother, daughter, employee and friend I can be. I'll probably lose some along the way, will pick up new people on this journey and will always have the forevers that may not be your every days but will always only be a phone call away.

I'm blessed.

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