There's a song about a grown up Christmas list. "No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start, that time would heal all hearts. Everyone would have a friend, right would always win and love would never end. This is my grown up Christmas list."
I missed Christmas this year. My parents had a Christmas party the Sat before everything happened so I am thankful for that at least. Christmas has always been very special to me. A love passed down from my Nana, thru my Mom and to me. This Christmas Eve I suffered a great loss and had surgery. Christmas day was spent having a blood transfusion, watching someone else's blood go into my arm to make me better. Creepy, gross and creepy! I feel like I missed half a year, being sick for the most part since July. Missing most of December in the hospital. I would say I'm looking forward to a new year but I don't know if that would be accurate. I'm just looking forward to a time I feel better.
Here is my Grown up Christmas list. Imagine this was last week if you must, not New Years Eve.
1. Healing. Mind, body, soul. Friendships, relationships, family. So many people I love are hurting for so many different reasons. Before all this happened there was deep hurt for many. Through the loss of the boys some of those bridges were crossed and healing has started. Not all though. I pray that this will be a year of healing. That egos, pride and hurts can be let go of. That people can come back together. That hearts, relationships and lives can be mended.
2. That humor will always take up such a big part of my life. Jason is many things to me. He is my very best friend, he is my strength, he is my heart. He also makes me laugh when I most need it. So many times when I was stuck in bed, he would come and lay beside me and we would talk and laugh until we had tears running down our faces. That continued in the hospital. One of the funniest things happened Christmas day. I was having chest pains and was scared and he was laying in bed with me holding me. A man walked in and Jason thought it was the dietary people delivering dinner so was prepared with the regular, just set it over there. This man was someone the nurses deemed McSteamy, for good reason. He wasn't there with a food tray, he was there to do an EKG. I had on a tshirt and no bra. Jason, having gone thru some EMT school, knew where McSteamy had to place the tabs. My husband loves me. A lot. I have never in my life felt more valued, loved and appreciated than I do from this man. He is also quite protective of me and will hurt anyone who looks at me wrong or inappropriately. So I am laying on this bed, watching his reaction as this guy raises my shirt and connects me. It wouldnt havent mattered if the guy was a troll, talk about uncomfortable. That he wasn't a troll at all, very uncomfortable. I wish I could have that on camera. Jason trying so hard not to snatch the tabs and wires and do it himself. As soon as McSteamy leaves, my mom comes running in the room to see if Jason was breathing or had the EKG guy by the throat. Then the nurse comes in fawning all over the guy and Jason was not amused. It was hilarious. He handled it like a champ.
He did things for me during our hospital stay that no man should ever have to do for his wife. I was crying at one point asking him, please still love me, please still think I'm sexy. Being on complete bedrest he rose to the challenge. We were in a labor and delivery room for the biggest part of our stay and the cabinets were stocked with dr gear. He comes out at one point wearing a plastic surgery mask shield, cap and gloves. He was the nurses favorite. Of course. Nearly everyday nurses that weren't mine would come in to see how we were doing and all complimented how Jason was always still there. How most husbands were in and out and how he was always by my side. I think he showed more than a few ladies what the true love of a husband looks like. He was the dr's favorite. Of course. I love that man so much and know that laughter is healing and I know that God gave me him for so many reasons, him giving me deep belly laughter being one of the ones I love the most.
3. The last year was the year of us getting pregnant. The first 7 months was so emotional with IUI, IVF, tests, meds, shots, scans, appts. Then pregnancy happened and it was sickness and appts and throwing up and worry. We got what we wanted but it consumed us. I don't know what this next year will bring. It's hard to believe that we will celebrate our 2 year anniversary in a few months. It feels like we've lived a lifetime together already. I want this year to be the year of he and I. Just loving each other, growing together, healing together and enjoying each other. God will give us what we need along the way. I pray that we can have a year of rest and a year of unexpected blessings that I know will come our way.
4. Shoes. Haha, just kidding.
I knew we had a strong support system. I have always had a very special relationship with my parents. When I went through so much so many years ago, they never left my side. This was no exception. My mom stayed at the hospital and got hardly any sleep. Holding my hand, praying with me, talking to me, keeping me from going to a dark place, reminding me constantly of God's promises even in the midst of such loss. Dad ran himself ragged doing chores and getting us whatever we needed. My inlaws were so supportive, my family coming in from KY to just be here with us, My Nana coming to the hospital to hold my hand, my aunt and uncle staying with us. So many friends, some I havent seen in 20+ years but connected with thru facebook lifting us up in prayer, sending me messages and texts of love and encouragement and hope. Unexpected visits in the hospital. Dr's that cried with us. Nurses that held us and cried, got into bed with me to hold me, nurses that became friends. People who have been on their knees in prayer for us. Flowers, texts, calls. We are absolutely overwhelmed with your love. Thank you for standing with us. I will never be able to tell you what that means to us.
I'm blessed. Each day I feel myself getting a little bit stronger. I know when my physical being is healed that my emotional self will get stronger as well. I am filled with sadness but also hope. I am surrounded by such love that I can't stay down. I have the most handsome of men holding my hand and dragging me, inch by inch, forward.
2013 won't bring what I expected but that doesn't mean that what it does bring can't be great. I'm trusting and believing that this journey we are on will continue to take us on a path that grows us, molds us and makes us stronger. I pray the same for you.