Forgive me if I'm blunt.. I'm not trying to hurt feelings, certainly not trying to judge, just trying to get some things off my chest that seem to be laying heavy on me.
I hate cliches. Hate. Almost as much as I hate being copied. But cliches make me crazy! My ex husband had an affair with his secretary. That made me so mad! If you're going to cheat at least be a little more original. Only thing worse would have been a nanny I think, which we didn't have or I would have experienced both I'm sure.
I hate jokes. All jokes. Please if you see me don't tell jokes. They make me want to scream.
I hate the saying, "Everything happens for a reason." Thanks, Captain Obvious. My water broke prematurely and I delivered too early before my boys could survive. That's the reason my boys aren't here. I understand why people say this but it makes me crazy. I know that there will be good that comes out of this but it's not the reason my boys didn't survive. Any good that comes out of this will be in spite of the fact that my boys didn't make it. Sometimes things happen because you make stupid choices. Sometimes things happen that are completely out of our control and we have no idea why. But if something happens, there was a reason. It doesn't make my boys come back and it doesn't make it ok.
I hate the saying perception is reality. It's not accurate. If you look at me you may see me sad and assume I'm not moving on. You don't see that I've gotten out of bed. That I've eaten in a restaurant that had people I didn't know there. That I went to the grocery store. That when the nice man found out why were looking at a memorial site, he asked if he could know our sons names and I said them for the first time, out loud, to a stranger. And I cried but I didn't break down. Your perception of how I'm handling my grief does not make it my reality. I so appreciate the people who are standing in love and prayer with us, with our family. Who understand that grief is a process and we are moving forward as fast as we need to. Thank you for loving us through this.
Pain is pain. Nope. There are different levels of pain I think. Loss is loss. Nope, certainly there are different levels of loss. When you cheat on your spouse and it ends in divorce, both parties may experience pain but I can promise they are different. If you have an abortion because you don't want your baby, you experience loss but I can promise it's far from the same as losing a baby or 2 that you prayed over, talked to and wanted more than anything. When you alienate yourself from your family and let pride stand in the way and harden your heart, you may hurt but I can almost guarantee it pales in comparison to the pain of the people ready to move on and love as a family should.
I'm not trying to be mean. Not trying to be judgmental. Trust me. I have been judged more than I could imagine through my life and that I'm being judged even now, as I am trying to grieve this loss, amazes me. I have a short fuse for stupid minutia right now. For things that don't matter. For things that could easily be resolved but aren't because people can't figure out for themselves what is important in life.
A month ago today I delivered Tucker. It was one of the worst days of my life. The next would come 11 days later when I delivered Fletcher. Today has been filled with a flash of constant memories that I don't want. I can't clear my head of everything that happened surrounding his birth. It's not a happy time. Its a devastating time. I'm praying my mind clears.
We found a beautiful site for a memorial for the boys. We are getting an Olive Tree and are planting it in a beautiful, peaceful, serene spot. It's a place we can go and think. It's a place that we can go and watch this tree grow and bloom and prosper and produce fruit. I think that's pretty awesome.
Everyday I feel myself getting a little bit stronger physically. I'm able to do more. Be out longer without wearing down as fast. I'm healing. And I feel like once my body feels stronger I can start mending my heart. The ache in my stomach today has been a physically longing to hold my sons. I know that won't ever fully go away but I imagine it wont be as constant.
I'm blessed. Even in the midst of all this pain and confusion and hurt, I get emails everyday from someone telling me how this has affected them. For the better. How they have drawn closer to God through sharing our pain. How they have started praying again, believing again, trusting again. They have been changed, because of my boys. My precious sons who weren't here long but were here long enough to make a difference in the hearts of a lot of people. And as their mom, I couldn't be more proud. I always knew they were overachievers!