Thursday, January 24, 2013

Straight Jackets and Things that Suck

I am ready to move past the anger portion of this fun journey of grief.  Preferably before I end up in jail.

Dad is home and resting.  The stress test showed some concern, the heart cath looked good.  So I left mom in recovery waiting room to go to the dr for my follow up bc everything was fine and dad was ok.  I was driving back to the hospital which is literally across the street from my dr and I panicked.  I had this feeling like, what if everything was ok when I left and there was a horrible complication and Dad died and Mom was there by herself?  Crazy thoughts because what are the odds of that happening?  Probably about the same as being told you aren't having contractions or in labor and then being alone and delivering your baby.   Sucks that I have that point of reference.

Jason has been on the phone all day with insurance.  This is very important to know.  According to one grossly uninformed person he talked to this morning, Fletcher isn't covered by insurance because he was calling after he died to add him.  He should have, in those 90 minutes we watched our son suffocating to death, taken out his insurance card, called the company to add him to our policy. Silly us.  Sucks that stupid people are allowed to talk to grieving parents.   That's clearly not accurate and a few very sweet ladies have helped him clear up the confusion.

I was under this delusion that because I had delivered the boys and they both have birthdays that my due date wouldnt bother me.  December 13 and December 24 would be the dreaded dates.  Not May 14.


Realizing I would now be 6 months pregnant sucks.   The 24 week mark I needed so desperately to get to came and passed with no fanfare because now it doesn't matter.  Sucks.

I'm really trying to get past this angry, snarky phase.  It's not fun.  It's not me.  I got home from the hospital yesterday and once I really believed that dad would be ok, I lost it.  My stomach hurts all the time from trying to not lose it in public.  I went to Publix for Mom and Dad and the pharmacist got sarcastic with an older lady and I turned around and was staring at her thinking, how dare you speak to someone like that.  And I realized I was staring for longer than normal and was half scared I had said it outloud.

I've lost my filter.

And my ability to process or deal with stupid people, things, circumstances.

According to drs this is normal.  I have a long way to go but I am further than I was 2 weeks ago when I went.  They aren't releasing me back to work yet.  As this entire post has shown, it's probably for the best interest of me and the general population that I have limited opportunities to freak out on someone.

Always thinking ahead.

I have been overwhelmed with people's kindness.  Still and always.  As lonely as this has been at times I have so many people standing in the gaps with me it has been hard to stay down for too long.  That doesn't suck.

This is a stupid thing we are going through.  It has changed us.  The extent and depth of those changes will be shown as the healing continues.  One thing that is for sure, it has made me dumb.  Not kidding.  I say things that make no sense, I forget things I should know and I have no idea what is going on half the time.  Leave all blonde comments to yourself.  Thanks.

Rambling thoughts from a crazy lady.  Pretty much sums up how I feel lately.  But I'm still rambling and hopefully sooner than later the crazy will get less and the angry snarkiness will be replaced with sarcastic snarkiness.  Once can hope.

Blessed today because I know at this point, chances of needing a straight jacket seems less likely by the day.  Subject to change, of course.

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