Friday, September 20, 2013

Frozen embryos, sucky people and happy times

I have been trying to live life differently lately.  My life is pretty much groundhog day so with my circumstances being as they are, I decided that if change was gonna happen, it had to be in me.  And some of it's pretty, some, not so much.

Things I appreciate:

1.  Kind people.  It's so nice being around kind, genuine people.  Those who care about you.  And your well being and your heart.  I'm thankful for the caring people in my life.  The caveat to this is I have also been surrounded by more crazy people but I've chosen to look for the kind ones.  I keep the crazies around because it keeps life more interesting but the kind ones are the ones who make your life better.

2.  Seeing the silver lining.  I don't really know what this is in reference to and right now I'm more of a gold than silver kind of girl but I look for the good in people.  In things.  In lessons.  In circumstances.  I have stopped tolerating mean, ugly, negative linings and love accessorizing with the beautiful gold that life throws at you.

3.  Taking a leap of faith.  I've been doing that more and more lately.  I've had a few pipe dreams and I've taken steps to see if I can realize them.  I've put myself out there in life, with people, with dreams and with hopes.  I've hit "send" on countless things that I was too scared to do before.  And even if it caused some panic and tears and "did I really just do that," the answer is a resounding, Yes!  I just did that!

4.  I've started giving myself some credit.  Wow, does that feel good.  I don't suck, I am awesome and I have finally digested the crap sandwich I've been eating for a long time and I'm learning how to process the crap that comes from a year of sad, emotional, tiring times.  Out of crap, beauty can come!

5.  It's none of my business what someone else thinks of me.  I'm good enough, I'm strong enough and dog gone it, people like me.  Some do.  Other's don't.  Some keep me around for entertainment value and because they are too nosy to not but it's ok.  The ones who are genuine are the ones who get the good Melissa.  The ones who are fake are the ones who get the rest.  No one likes the leftovers anyway.

Things I don't like:

1.  People who are fake, who judge, who manipulate, who deceive, who cheat, who lie, who hurt.  I read that you become like those you spend the most time with so I have chosen to spend more time with people who are none of these things and I am no longer worried about being guilty by association.  And that feels good!

2.  Hard lessons, emotional rollercoasters, life lessons, and sadness.  But I have survived, I've got the tshirt and the blog to prove it.  I've gotten here.  9 months after losing our boys.  1 month after losing my Nana.  A year of ups and downs and tears of hope and pain and joy and devastation.  I am surviving.  I have had my heart broken, my life shattered and my dreams crushed by loss but it hasn't defined me in any way other than I am still fighting!

Baby loss sucks.  It's awful.  I really can't imagine anything worse than losing a child.  I have 3 babies in heaven.  Sometimes it seems absolutely unreal that I am a mother but I don't have any of my babies to hold.  I try not to let the why's and what if's take up too much space in my heart but to think you wouldn't have any of those questions isn't realistic.

We have frozen embryos, just waiting on us.  For me to be healthy in mind, body, soul.  That sometimes seems like an impossible goal but I have to just keep going forward.  Step by step.  I want to hold our babies.  I want to sing to them.  I want to parent them.  I'm so thankful for the 3 beautiful step kids I have in my life and I pray, expectantly, for the kids that will add to our family one day.

Good days and bad.  Fall down, get back up.  Scary moments but push through anyways.  Sad times but smiling through the tears.

I'm not where I expected to be a year ago when Jason was reading to the boys in my belly.  I'm not where I hoped to be on this grief journey.  I'm not the Melissa I was before my life changed forever but I can promise this.  I have my heels all lined up, they are ready for me and I'm ready to see what's on the other side of this journey!


  1. I have been following your blog the last few months, and I just wanted to say you are very brave and inspiring!!!

    I went in search of blogs for real stories of those who have suffered loss, our very close friends have suffered a very hard (which one isn't??) stillbirth this past summer. I wanted to try and relate to them as much as I could.

    Thank you for being so candid on your journey!

  2. Thank you for your comment. What a beautiful, king gesture you are doing in trying to make their journey more bearable. They are lucky to have you in their life. Pray for them, be around for them and ask them if they want to discuss. I think those 3 things go far for us grieving parents!

    God bless you, and your friends! I will keep them in my prayers!