Sunday, October 6, 2013

Empty cradle, My Jesus and Our Boys

I am part of a very special group of women.  Actually, I'm part of several groups of special women.  My May Mom's group rallies around me and lifts me up and includes me in their lives and that means so much to me.  One of the moms shared this song with me.  All I can say is, I couldn't say it better...

"People say that I'm brave, but I'm not.  In fact I'm barely hanging on.  But there's a greater story, written long before me, because He loves you like this."

The Mom who wrote this said something in her testimony that hit my heart.  When she got the news that her baby wouldnt survive outside of the womb, she was overwhelmed with this thought and said it over and over.  And over.  "My Jesus is the same Jesus now as He was before."

My Jesus that was with me when we held our babies, was the same Jesus that was with me when we found out we were pregnant.  My Jesus that was with me when my water broke, was the same Jesus that was with me when we found out we had boys.  My Jesus that was with me when I have been in the total pits of despair is the exact same Jesus that has gotten me out.  His love is unchanging.

"I will carry you, while your heart beats here.  Long beyond the empty cradle, through the coming years.  I will carry you, all my life, I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you."

I was chosen to carry Tucker and Fletcher.  Whether they lived an hour or a lifetime, I was chosen to be their Mom.  They didn't live long but the impact their short lives had is huge.  Their hearts beat, together, with mine.  Because I'm their Mommy.  I will always and forever be their Mommy.

Today we walked.  We walked to remember.  We walked to heal.  We walked together.  My handsome, beautiful, special husband.  Our loving, caring, kind parents.  And another group I am proud to be part of.  Strong, encouraging, loving Moms.  Who have all walked in my shoes.  Our stories may vary but our hearts know the same pain.  The same love.  The same pride.

My heart hurts right now.  Only because I would have rather pushed a stroller with 2 blonde haired baby boys along the river today but that wasn't in the plan that my Jesus had for me.  Right now.  Right now I carry Tucker and I carry Fletcher with me, everywhere I go.  I carry them in my heart.

I was chosen to carry them in my womb while their hearts beat here.  And when those hearts stopped beating, I had to decide what to do.  It has taken me some time to get here but I have chosen to honor my boys and keep going.  Keep fighting, keep believing and keep praying to the God who chose me to be their Mommy.

I'm blessed.  I have 2 little boys who I will never lose.  I just carry them in my heart now...

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