So, I've been praying for strength. Let me just tell you, those tests are even harder than the patience ones. Seriously. Brutal.
Why do I do this to myself? Because I wasn't ok just surviving the day to day anymore. I wanted to live. I wanted to have my joy back. I wanted peace that only comes from knowing you are asking God to guide you and trusting that He is.
Life has exploded with good things. My job is awesome, my book submission is in the final drafts, my heart is open to where God is taking me and I'm overwhelmed with the ride.
It'd be nice if I signed off now with a I'm blessed because blah blah blah. But I can't.
Because there's more to my life than the joy. There's struggle, there's heartache, there are people waiting for me to fail. There are those who see the good in me, there are those who only see the bad. There are times I trust God with everything, there are moments doubt tries to steal my faith. There are dreams coming true that are wilder than anything I had the confidence to ask for and there are things that bring me to my knees.
Life isn't about the crisis. Life is about what the crisis reveals in you. My life has had struggle, it's been darkened by death, divorce, bad decisions, hurt, and pain.
There's all that. Then there's this.
I love more because I let myself believe that the struggle is worth the fight. I hope for better because I have seen God restore in me a new being. I trust even though others let me down. Not for any other reason than I see the good in people. I want to make others happy. I've left the people pleasing business but I trust that God can shine a light they can see in me if I let Him. I won't give up because I know how great it feels to celebrate an answer to prayer that took hard work and determination and making the decision not quit when it got hard.
Today at work I was wearing my ugliest comfy shoes, wearing a neon vest with reflective flashers, going on 7 hours wearing a hot pink hard hat, walking a community that was hand picked for me and just having a great day! I'm stoked about my community, I know I will see much success, I will be part of making other's dreams a reality, I will learn about myself, I will grow.
Because I had the desire for God to give me His best and I asked for it, believed in it and He gave me more.
When the breath was knocked out of me around 3 with a text, I didn't crumble. I didn't fall apart. I made myself breath, I prayed for peace, I even prayed for strength, because the battle is worth the fight for me.
I don't know who I blog for anymore. Is it for me? Is it for you? Is it for someone I'll never meet? I don't know. But what is in me that comes out of me is prayed over. Because if I could make your life better by saying one thing to you it would be this.
Life doesn't have to be so hard. You can probably trust me saying that cause I have some experience I draw from. Anger, resentment, fury, frustration, lies, THOSE DO NOT COME FROM GOD!
So if you're feeling those things, consider the source, let the feelings go and turn to the one who can make something beautiful out of your hotmessness.
Pain is pain. Right? Maybe, if you are using it on the same weighted scale where comparing apples to spaceships makes sense.
How bout this. We're all crazy, it's not a competition. We all have hurts, how about you let someone help you? We all have commitments, why not stick by your word and work on things that are broken. Throwing a lamp away that has a burnt out lightbulb is brilliant. Don't be stupid.
Life is hard. Things hurt. People change. Crap happens. Time to put on the big girl panties and figure out what you're going to do about it. Are you going to run away or are you going to stay and change the lightbulb.
Both mean taking an action, just have to decide whether you want to live in darkness and run from everything that is hard, or replace the dang bulb and look around.
Just maybe, while you were sitting in the dark stewing, angry, bitter, and resentful there's been people around you, surrounding you with prayer, encouragement and help.
You can live a life in the light with people who matter or you can keep running in the dark alone. Sounds fun. Good luck with that!
For me, I'm going to praise God for the blessings he's trusted me with, I'm going to make tomorrow better than today and I'm going to celebrate every flippin happy thing that I deserve bc I put in the work, my light is shining bright and if asked, I'd be more than happy to help you change your broken bulb so you can see things in a new light too!
God loves us. He really does. We make things way too complicated, sometimes things just are that complicated, but get out of the crazy. Life will be hard. Butterflies and rainbows rarely will be seen shooting out of your butt, someone will annoy you, you may feel lost. But before you throw away that lamp, make sure you're ready to walk a long road in the darkness alone. Or with other people walking a sad, lonely dark road.
Me, I like light. And shoes. And purses. And my job. And Reading. I like a lot of things. Music too! Love music.
Go find your happiness. I can promise it's not going to find it's way to you with a scowl on your face and a heart closed off to change.
This is me now, signing off. With my blessings.
Blessed with good people, blessed with great hair and blessed with knowing God's got this fight. I can finally lay it down and relax. Or go paint my toes or something. But do something. Anything. Just stop being someone who does nothing and complains when life doesn't change.