Friday, March 14, 2014

I don't suck

I'm baaccckkkk!

My life, it's a changin' and it's full of really good things that don't suck.

I'm happy again. Not just happy but joyful.  I have a new job which I'm really excited about, I've been asked to share my story in a book about babyloss which makes me proud that sharing my story will help others.  I've found some really fab accessories, got my hair did, that all makes me happy. But what I have is deeper than that and it happened before any of the good stuff. My circumstances hadn't changed yet, my heart has. 

You find out what you're made of during struggle. It's not hard to be a grateful person when life is going your way.  When things are easy, expressing gratitude goes hand in hand.  The past year has changed me and I know what I'm made of. 

I'm a fighter. At times I wanted to run away but I didn't.  When it would have been easier to shut down, I opened myself up. Being vulnerable is never easy but I found that if I laid my heart out for people to see, they didn't just notice, they cared. I don't know at what point I decided I still had a lot to live for, I guess the important thing is, I decided to not just survive, I decided to live again. 

I'm a lover. It's not in my nature to be mean. The moments I had of pure anger came out of a really ugly place of loss that I'd never experienced. Sarcasm has always flowed easily off my tongue. Snarky hasn't and I didn't like the taste of it. I witnessed, first hand, time and again how the simplest of kind gestures turned my day around. It's hard to feel like you don't matter or aren't important when a stranger gave me a genuine smile. When I would receive an email from someone letting me know they loved me and they were praying for me. 

I reflect God's love. So many times this past year I was angry. Too angry to pray sometimes then I'd catch myself praying. My faith has been tested before, never to the extent as last year.  When I wanted to doubt, I still believed. When I wanted to run, I still searched for God's hand in things. When life seemed too big, too much, too heavy, I leaned on the one thing that has always been stable. I planted my high heels on the solid truth of God's promises and I believe He's working in me. I see Him working through me. I never envisioned my writing would take me on the road I'm on but my story matters because it's a story of hope, prayer, pain and loss that is used to make people feel less alone. 

I'm transparent. I don't care to tell on myself. I do a lot of dumb things and I'm the first to laugh at myself. I'm the first to reveal my fears as well as be excited of my accomplishments. I don't feel it's boastful to speak of how God has turned what was so broken, so lost, so tired, into a life that is filled with more love than I've ever felt. 

I don't suck. All the lies Satan has spewed over me that were getting easier to believe the lonelier I felt, are gone. I'm not a failure, I'm not a quitter, I'm not selfish and I'm no longer the sad, broken person I was. 

I'm different. I'm still Missy.  Still Melissa. Still wife, mother, daughter, niece, friend, but I'm more than that. I am someone who didn't give up. I'm someone who won't give up. I see what God has made of my life and I want everyone I know to experience that. I want each of them to know what it feels like to feel unlovable and stil be loved. To screw up and be forgiven. To lose so much but be filled to the point of overflowing. 

I have more prayer warriors and friends than I ever imagined. I have closer relationships than I've ever had. I've healed enough that I can offer myself to others again and that feels so great. 

The past few months I've taken a hard look at what is right about me and what needs changed. I constantly check myself to make sure that I'm seeking God's will, not my own. A beautiful friend said to me that she sees in me a hero, not because of me alone but because of the beautiful reflection of Christ thru me. That's one of the kindest things that's ever been said about me. 

I'm thankful. I'm so, so thankful that I have so many wonderful people in my life. Knowing I can bring a need and it's met, knowing when I need to unload, they will help carry the burden.  Knowing that when something good happens, they will be there to celebrate. 

That's what's important. My life over the past few weeks has been filled with some big answers to prayers but my happiness isn't because of that. My joy comes from seeking God, knowing God and waiting for His whispers for me and being confident that I'm not going anywhere but where He leads. 

Life is hard. That is a constant. Life is also beautiful. That I'm able to believe that shows the growth and healing I've had. 

I wasn't able to move on any faster than I did because I was missing very big pieces of myself I had to learn how to live without. I wasn't able to offer myself to others in a way I wanted to until the pieces of my heart were put back together. 

And they are. I miss Tucker and Fletcher and wish they were here beside me now, but they taught me the number of days isn't what matters. They lived long enough to change me. 

I've worked really hard on myself. I've worked really hard to grow, heal and bloom into this Melissa I now am!  And I just love her!  Awesome shoes, great jewelry, open heart, ready smile. She's pretty cool and doesnt suck at all! 

I'm blessed because I'm filled again with what was missing. The pieces of my heart being woven back together has made me feel very, very full! 

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