Saturday, November 29, 2014

I'm less than fine...

I'm less than fine. 

I'm not really even ok. 

I'm tired. I don't want to go through another December. I don't want to face Dec 10, when my water broke. I don't want to face Tucker's birthday. I don't want to face Fletcher's.  

I'm tapped out. Emotionally I'm just completely drained. 

I made it through Thanksgiving. I made it through. I survived another holiday completely brokenhearted. 

Am I thankful?  Of course I am. I know that life is fragile, I know that not everyone has supportive and loving parents. I know what I still have left. And I'm thankful. 

But I'm tired. My heart is just really tired. I actually feel the ache. I feel the emptiness. I know what it feels like to have your heart overflowing and I know what it feels like to have it broken.  I thought it was more healed than it is. But if I'm giving myself credit, I have survived more than I've lost. 

I don't know what this life means. I know that we dnt live for this life but we live for eternity but I'm kind of unsure of how to navigate this journey that seems to be just loss after loss after loss after loss. 

It's not a why me. My heart breaks for so many people, please trust that my heart doesn't just break for the things I no longer have. 

For someone who feels so much, to feel so empty at the same time is confusing. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite times of the year. I know we aren't supposed to live in the past but my mind drifts. 2 years ago I had absolutely everything I ever wanted, more than I ever expected and the promise of so much more more. 

This year I'm still clinging to hope. It's all I have left. And the broken, empty, lost parts of me scream out so much louder than the parts filled with hope but thankfully, the hope still has a voice. 

I'm tired. I tired of the aching in my heart. I'm tired of the hurting and I'm tired of trying to survive. 

Is this all I am and all I talk about?  No, I live a pretty full life. I don't talk about what I'm actually feeling nearly enough because it makes people weary. I'm tired of making people weary. I'm more tired of being the source of that. I'm someone who has great stories, makes people laugh. People are good with that. The empty Melissa, not so much. 

Life 2 years ago made sense. I had my husband, our 3 kids, our parents, our aunts and uncles, my Nana, all celebrating that we were adding two more boys to the chaos. 

I've lost more than I've still got. I'm drowning. It's harder to keep standing when you're drowning but I'm still here. 

God, if you're still listening, I'm tired. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be lost. I don't know what will heal my heart when I can't hold my babies, my arms and heart are empty and my spirit just feels defeated. I know you are still in the business of making beautiful things out of a mess, I haven't given up. Please get me thru the next month. If for no other reason I have 2 little boys who deserve to have a mom who doesn't quit. Tucker, Fletcher, your mama loves you and though heaven feels really far away right now, I know you're safe and loved. 

I'm tired. But I haven't given up. And I won't.  


  1. My heart goes out to you, I know your boys birthdays are coming up. My water broke on December 10th as well, but in 2013. Noel then rushed in to this world on the 19th, and died at birth. God, I am barely holding on to my sanity right now..anxiety, panic attacks and the never-ending stress of IVF-but-never-getting-pregnant- shit is drowning me every bloody is on a total back-burner this year, and maybe all the years to come..?
    Kind hugs from a fellow angel mama.

    1. Thank you for sharing with me. If there's one thing that has come out of losing my boys that makes me feel less sad, is knowing I am in the company of so many beautiful, loving, kind, compassionate, caring mothers. Can you even imagine what your Noel and my boys are up to in heaven? If I had to guess, it would be complete chaos and trouble. My thoughts are with you, sweet mama. Know that you aren't alone and I know how you feel. Thank you for sharing your baby's story with me! <3