Saturday, November 8, 2014

Completely broken and exhausted

"Is the person you are now bigger than the failure you're holding onto?"

What's left of me, I'm honestly not sure.  I've been running on empty for awhile. 

I made it thru my birthday. With so many texts and calls and messages from loving people. Almost made me forget I didn't hear from my husband or kids. 

That makes me feel ridiculous even saying that. There's 1000 things that have happened since the last I saw them and my birthday that I wished I heard something and heard just nothing.  My birthday was no different. I don't blame the kids, I'm nothing to them. Doesn't change what they are to me though I guess. And I thought myself so strong because the entire time my mom was in the hospital I wanted to text J but I never did. Because even though I wish it weren't true, he doesn't care. I know he doesn't. So why does my heart still react in wanting him to? 

The weather is colder. Which I love. Normally. Because it signals the start of my favorite time of year. Normally. Thanksgiving. Christmas. It makes me mad that I want to just skip to April. 

J left me last Thanksgiving. And took the kids. So I faced my "first" alone and I managed. I mean I completely freaked and dyed my hair dark which was a flippin disaster but all things considered, I survived. 

I'm tired of surviving. Honest. Just so tired of being strong enough to handle loss after loss after hurt after heartache. I don't want to keep waiting around for divorce papers.  Divorce papers that don't just end an already broken marriage but also destroy the 10 healthy embryos I had such hopes for.  I don't want to have our divorce final in between the boys birthdays. I want a break. I want a flippin break. 

If this seems sad and depressing, by all means, go back to your life that isn't but I have to get this out of me before I implode.  I've held too much in for too long. I'm exhausted and I'm broken. 

I don't want to go thru thanksgiving again alone. Knowing a few weeks later I have Tucker's birthday.  Do I nod at J and the kids if I pass them at the tree?  Christmas Eve is my baby's birthday and I don't want to do it. I thought making it thru the first year made me immune to the pain and hurt and confusion and emptiness of the second. And it may have. If this year I wasn't also grieving my husband, our boys, our marriage and 3 kids I haven't seen in 6 months. 

Instead of this being a tragic, pathetic blog about annoying things people don't like to read about, like real life, I'll do this.

There's a whole lot that breaks this gals heart. But everyday I make the decision to try again to live a good day.  I don't have anything but my parents to cling to, heaven seems so far away where my heart and empty arms long to be. 

God spared me. For something. I'm meant to live life for something and I'll find it and I'll keep going.  Heart broken, arms empty, I'll keep going. I'm tired of hurting. Im tired of being alone. I'm tired of wondering if life will ever let up, even just a moment so I can catch my breath?  Because right now, I'm drowning. 

This is something bigger than me. Has to be. I wouldn't have the balls to keep looking for something that will make sense if I didn't believe better is out there. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorites.  Deaths, divorce, seperation be damnded, ill get thru this too. 

Somehow. Stronger and better.  


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