Tuesday, February 10, 2015

What am I fighting for?

What am I fighting for? 

Been asking myself that a lot lately. 

So why do I keep fighting?  Besides the obvious I guess of having no real other choice?  I've always had a strong determination to survive, this is testing the limits. But I've never really seen an alternative to not surviving because I'm not sure as an adult what other choice you have than to figure life out and make it work. 

Doesn't mean it's done with grace. Doesn't mean it's done with a smile on my face. More times than not lately I have tears rolling down my face. I'm not sad all the time but I am so completely raw and the emotions are overflowing. 

What am I fighting so hard for? 

It's not to prove anything to anyone else anymore. It's not for validation from people I so desperately wanted to see and acknowledge a strength in me they always questioned. 

I wasn't sure what my fight was for. 

Then I heard a song that made me realize it. 

I'm fighting so hard because I'm a mother to two babies who never stopped fighting.  And I have to believe they got that from their mama. 

You hear of parents learning more from their kids than they teach them. I think it's pretty incredible how much 2 little boys I only held for a moment continue to teach me. 

I don't consciencly think of them everyday anymore and I know there has to be se healing in that but it's also hard to let that go. When I do think of them, I think of them as they are now.  And I don't know if people in heaven can see the ones left behind but I have to believe their spirits are around because their hearts are with me everyday. 

The fight has been hard lately. Really freakin hard. I have wanted to give up, throw in the towel and call it a day like a million times but I can't. 

Because I have a lot of life to live. Here and now. I'm slowly putting the pieces of my brokenness together and the light shines thru the cracks in different ways and seems to touch people where they need it.  And I don't know that until I share my pain and struggle and hear from them that they understand because they are facing it too. It may be the light of faith shining that I believe God hasn't forgotten me. It may be the light that I can live a good life thru grief that changes and the pain that lessens as each day I wake up without Tucker and Fletcher. It may be the light of a very lonely woman going thru a divorce from a man she loves and misses everyday. It could be the light shining thru the cracks of worry, anxiety, despair. Or maybe it's the light of hope and faith and belief. 

My life is transparent, I have a ton of cracks and what is inside me shines out. Sometimes bright, sometimes dim but the light of love and hope has never been burnt out. 

Why do I fight so hard?  Because I want to be the best of me I can be. For the people around me but most importantly for my babies who I know are beside me. 

I heard this song and I've listened on repeat.  Heaven is far away when what you want is waiting but my life is here and I'll continue to fight the good fight here so that when my time on earth is over, I will spend forever with my babies. 

"Homeward Bound.."

I will run
I will run this race
And I will do it all for love
Your love compels me forward
You love controls my heart 
And I just can't
I cannot get away

So I will fight
This good fight of faith
And I will do it all for love
You are my great reward
You're so worth fighting for
And I can't wait to see your face". 

I can't wait to see my babies. I see them in my dreams, I feel their arms around my neck, I can even hear their voices. Which is the strength of a mothers loving desire as I never even heard them cry.  It's real though. It's so real. 

But when I open my eyes they disappear. 

I'll run this race, I'll fight the good fight of faith and I will do it all for the love of my
boys. When we'll never be seperated again. 

Their mom isn't a quitter. I can't wait to see their faces when I will know without a doubt that my boys will be proud of their mama and I can run with them and never again have to be apart. 

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