Monday, July 18, 2011

Pavlo's Dog and Braces

I had surgery last week. Was a tougher recovery than I anticipated. Still hurting but slowly getting back to normal. My surgery was kind of a pruning of sorts I guess. Painful process but all needed for something good to come later.

I was on some pretty good pain pills. In that they knocked me out. Not sure if it was the drugs or the anesthesia, both or what but God spoke to me pretty clearly through some dreams.

I've been battling things I've had a hard time letting go of. Some people and situations that have caused me tears, frustration, sadness, irritation, tears. I had a dream that I picked up a certain someone (insert frustrating person here) from the airport and they got in my car and I was as nice as could be, going out of my way to be friendly and out of nowhere she, er, they said "You no longer wear your belt like Pavlo's Dog and it makes me want to smack you." Yea, made no sense in my dream either. I was all, um that doesnt make sense. I know that Pavlo's Dog means something but it doesnt have to do with belts and why does it even matter to you whether I wear a belt or not. And they are all, well that's exactly the point that makes me so mad at you is that you just don't get it. ----So that's the gist of this dream. People mad at me over something that makes no sense that they couldnt even explain to me because it's absurd. Please hold..

Jonas has been on my mind non stop lately. I told mom the other day I couldnt remember his voice and that was really hard to handle. And not sure if it's 1. I havent seen him in 3 years. 2. I don't know where he is. 3. I have kids in my life again that I love and have fun with. 4 The emotions of thinking about growing our family or or or.....

Day 2 after surgery is usually hard and this was no exception. I was a hot mess. Couldnt move, walked like an old lady, couldnt bend over, Jason had to help me put on my pants. I was in a lot of pain. Had a dream that I was at the orthodontist. Jonas was sitting on my lap, facing me, talking to me close, as we did so many times. He had his pacifier breath, he was playing with my hair and we just had the best conversation. I heard his husky little voice as clear as if he were really sitting on my lap. And as I'm sitting there so enjoying this conversation with this little boy I love and miss so much the evil dr is putting braces on my teeth. I didn't understand why because my teeth were straight, I'd already been through 3 years of torture with those things. And as I was questioning the Why in the midst of loving on Jonas I heard "You don't understand the pain you're going through now but I promise the result will be worth it."

Well. I know God uses different ways to talk to us. This time was through some pain pill induced dreams but I got some really important lessons that I've been too awake to hear.

1. Pavlo's Dog. I knew it was something but couldnt for the life of me remember what. So I googled it. In my simpleton mind, it's an expected response to a learned behavior. If someone always gave you a drink when the phone rang then instinctively every time you hear a ring you get thirsty. Has nothing to do with a belt. Which was kind of lost on me for a minute but in my dream, the person was so angry that I wasn't wearing the belt like Pavlo's Dog. Aha! Stay with me here. You teach people how to treat you. Running after someone for crumbs, begging, pleading, love me, trust me, like me, talk to me...puts you in a place no one likes to be. At someone else's mercy. If you are always playing by someone else's rule and not getting close to the desired outcome, it's time to play by new rules. People being so angry with you because you don't act, react or do as they would or think you should, doesnt make you wrong. It makes them wrong. If you are leading your life for God's will, praying for his direction, He'll be the voice that tells you just because someone says jump, doesnt mean you have to ask how high. Unless it's pleasing to Him. So next time the phone rings, instead of running to the fridge for something to drink, you may decide to read a book instead. No one should get angry at you for not wearing a belt like Pavlo's Dog. That's as absurd as letting someone else having control over your mind, thoughts, feelings.

2. We don't always understand the pain as we're going through it. Sometimes over the past 4 years there were times I literally was crushed by the weight of the pain I was going through. Sometimes I felt like I was going through the same lesson over and over. I finally got it. And my life is more than I ever thought possible. And it's just starting. With a man I love more and more everyday. Jonas sitting on my lap gave me permission to remember. To grieve, to be sad sometimes still. This much later after. But in the midst of the pain, if we allow ourselves to go through it, then beautiful, straight teeth wait at the end. Or an amazing husband, or job, or family, or or or....

I sometimes still don't understand the hurts I've been through, go through still. But I know that for whatever purpose, I am. Because God has seen in me something that needs worked on, something that needs grown or something that needs tweaked. And if we stop in the midst of it, we'll never get to the other side of it.

What did my dreams teach me? To not let others control me, to let myself feel the pain, something beautiful is waiting for me at the end. I have the big, gleaming smile to prove it!

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