Monday, November 12, 2012

UMM...I'm in a national magazine.

Kind of.

I was in contact with the articles editor at Redbook Magazine (completely cool in and of itself) and she asked me to submit a video blog of my experience with infertility up until that point.  It's a Truth in Trying campaign to make couples feel less alone going through a process no one really talks about.  Very humbling to be included in such an important thing and seeing myself, sitting on my couch, on a video that Jason took, with Redbook in the corner of the screen, Crazy!!!

My dream of being published wasn't quite fulfilled in the way I had envisioned but I will take it.  Feels really good when something you want and work towards happens, even if differently than you expected.

Had another Dr appt today.  Still throwing up.  Still sick.  Still nauseated.  So frustrating.  I had a good day on Saturday, felt like I turned the corner and was going to be able to get back to normal.  Had lunch with the families and got really sick on the way home and it hasn't stopped.  I have tried every med they have suggested so as a last ditch effort, they have recommended a pump.  Kind of like an insulin pump, it's going to be in my belly and will give me meds more directly and quickly.  This is what they use a lot of times with cancer patients who get sick from chemo so I'm praying it works.  Home health will be contacting me in the next day or so to set it up.

I broke down (again) at the Dr because I'm just so tired of feeling like this.  It's like the worst car sick feeling that wont go away.  For 3.5 months!  I try not to talk of it much because who wants to hear anyone complain when they have what they have prayed for and asked so many others to join them in prayer for.  But this isn't complaining...this is real life.  I throw up 4-10 times a day, I'm dizzy and I'm just sick.  My attitude lately has been less than pleasant because wanting to enjoy something you wanted to badly only to be stuck in bed or over a toilet sucks!  Dr made me feel better and said it's not complaining when you've been through 4 months of hell with IVF and the drugs that mess with your hormones and then OHSS and then twins that mess even more with hormones.  

Speaking of twins, they were bouncing ALL over the place today.  Next week we find out if mama's intuition of boy and girl are correct.  If they cooperate.  Jason swears he saw the girly parts of Baby B today.  We shall see!

I freaked out a little today.  My life has been on hold for about 4 months.  Not even on hold.  Passing me by.  I've missed a lot.  I havent worked in a long time.  My short term disability is about to run out and they are putting me on long term disability.  I never imagined this to be part of my baby story but I wouldnt be going through all of this if I wasn't pregnant, with 2 babies at that, so I will never wish that I wasn't walking this path.  If I've learned anything, it's that God's purpose is always greater than the circumstances.

I was in the car, crying of course, and Jeremy Camp was on the radio.  "I will walk by faith, even when I don't see.  And because this broken road, prepares your will for me."  I will continue to walk by faith. I have no idea what lays before me.  But looking behind me I know that in my darkest hours, in my lowest times, in the moments that couldn't possibly make sense, He was always preparing me.  For something bigger than I could imagine for myself.

Twins, anyone?

I am blessed because through trying times I have a God who answers prayers in a bigger way than I even know to pray.  I have my face on a magazine's website for a campaign I never imagined to be part of because of 2 babies I have prayed into existence.  God is good and my life is in His hands.  Can't be mad about that.

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