I wonder sometimes why I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I try to psychoanalyze myself, shocking I know, and I lean towards the mother but no babies blah blah but I think I've gotten to the bottom of it.
My typical day.
Me- Hi, I have a question about my bill.
Me- Melissa Neu
Att-Could it be a different name?
Me- Melissa Billington
Att- Any other possibilities?
Me- Harris? Ding ding ding we have a winner.
Go to Walgreens to pick up meds
Me- Hi, I need to pick up meds, Melissa Neu.
Them- Could it be a different name?
Me- Melissa Billington.
Them. Yes, can you verify your address?
Me- Sure, Capital dome..
Them- Could it be another one?
Me- Try Lanier Creek Drive
Them- Um, no?
Me- Touchton, Ripple Rush or Falling waters drive?
Them- Yes, that will be $20.
Give them my debit card. Melissa N Billington
Them- It says see id.
I give them my license. It says Melissa Neu.
Why do I feel I have split personalities? Because I do!
In the past 5 years I have lived in 5 different places. I have had 3 different names. I've lived a lifetime in the past year. Have ya seen Jason lately? His small patch of grey in his goatee is now a grey goatee with a patch of brown.
Life's been tough. And confusing. And hard. I have a good day and then see a mom holding a baby under a blue blanket and all the air is sucked out of my lungs and I can't breathe.
I have gone through great lengths to try my best to strip life down to the basics in any way I can. I don't want drama. I don't want chaos. I don't want misunderstandings. I want to live a healthy life with our family and friends.
"You find out who your friends are..." I think some country guys sang a song about that. Some friends email, text, fb that they are thinking, praying, loving us. Some friends we see. Some we never see but talk to a lot. Some friends we neither see nor talk to. There are a few people who haven't contacted me that have hurt. There are a few people who havent contacted Jason that have hurt. You find out who will still be standing in your corner when all you can offer is tears and anger and bitterness and confusion. I mean, no idea why people aren't lined up at our door. PS..bad luck isn't contagious. You cant catch what we went through. Just throwing that out there.
Some think I should have moved on by now. Thats ok, they can have their opinion. But how they came to that opinion is beyond me considering I havent heard from them. It's ok. I didn't expect everyone to walk with us through the valleys. But there have been so many people walking with us through this valley. People I've never met sending me cards and flowers to brighten my day. Necklaces with the boys names. An email telling me they love me and are thinking about me. A text asking if I'm ok.
The majority of the people I talk to now are people I never talked to before the loss. I dont harbor any ill feelings towards those who have quietly just disappeared from our lives. You find out who your friends are....
I have a new friend. Who not so long ago was kind of not a friend at all. She was just someone that I had to know because she was the mother of my stepkids.
It wasn't an easy 3 years. We chose not to see the good in each other. We let misconstrued thoughts become gospel and we fought passionately for what we believed in. We were both just kind of clueless to the fact that if we would get out of our own way, the things we were fighting about, we actually agreed on but instead of talking it out we just didn't talk at all. And it affected everyone. The kids were torn. The parents were worn. The families were split and there was a clear division. It was fun for all.
I sent her a text and apologized for anything I had said in the past that may have hurt her. I was sorry. I wanted to offer an olive branch (Did I mention our boy's Olive tree now has olives growing? No? Well it does...) We worked it out. We really worked it out. We planned a joint bday party, A requested that she, her mom and I go to lunch for her bday. So off to lunch we went. Then we went shopping. Then we text about a school question. That turned into this. That lead to that. And before you know it, we've developed a friendship. And it has made our life so much more peaceful. And happy. The kids are absolutely in heaven that we all get along and talk and sit together. That we are planning stuff together. Really, I guess, sadly, they are glad we finally grew up.
Egos get in the way. Hurt gets in the way. Need for vindication gets in the way.
After posting pics of her and I at dance competition today, I was inundated with emails and texts asking who she was and if it was Jason's ex could I share my secret.
So..here's my secret. Put it all on the table if you need to, then brush it all off the table and bring to the table forgiveness, honesty, friendship and care. Give an apology without expecting one in return. Choose to see the good in people instead of making up stories of bad if you cant find enough to suit you. Smile. Thank them. Be gracious. Be a friend, you'll most likely get a friend in return.
And you'll be amazed at the changes that can come. I could write more but I have a blended family vacation to plan. Then need to get in bed before we go back to day 2 of dance competition.
There are 2 kinds of people in life. The kind you need in your life and the kind you don't need in your life. This has nothing to do with wants. This is need, they are there, aren't going anywhere need. IF you need them, you got to swallow your pride, lose the ego, step down off the soapbox and figure out a way to make it work. IF you don't need them, and don't want them, delete them.
If you want someone in your life that isn't in it, that's easy to. ASk yourself, have I tried all I can do to be part of their life? If yes, have they accepted you. IF you haven't tried, try. If you tried and they didn't accept, then move directly to the "thank you for our time we shared but this chapter of my life needs to end." And end it. I know what fun, (And by fun, please read pathetic) it is chasing someone who doesn't wish to see any good in you, who doesn't wish to talk things out and who puts conditions on your relationship, OR if you go through a major life loss and they don't call, chances are pretty good you should probably padlock that door locked.
It's easy. If someone wants to be in your life, they will make an effort. If you wish to be in someones life, make an effort. You may have to eat some humble pie, you may have to swallow some pride but just add some salt. It's really not that bad.
It may not turn out how you hoped, it may alienate some people who dont understand, it may go back to how it was, OR it may make your life more full, more blessed and more pleasant. Whatever you decide to do, please don't judge other's who are trying to make their life less complicated.
We did it. And we have 3 really happy kids who tell us everyday how happy they are and how much they love us. Nothing beats that!!
Blessed because even though my heart is aching for something it doesn't have, its overflowing with new things it does.
Thats called perspective and that lesson was free.
Next one will be $15.
Xoxo, the girl who always has a lot to say