Monday, April 29, 2013

Who's in jail?

Not me.


I wouldn't place any bets that I won't find myself there if I have more days like I had today.  Went to the store and the lady that parked in front of me was someone I knew in my past life.  i.e., prior to Dec. She looked at me and I looked away.  Well of the 5 stores she could have gone in, she was in the same store I needed to go.  So I walked in, proud of myself for not running away.  She walked up to me and said, "Melissa?"  I said yea, and she just kind of stared at me and then gave me a hug and said she was so, so sorry.  I just started crying and told her thank you.  She didn't know what to say, I didn't have it in me to try to make it less uncomfortable so I walked away.  When she left she rubbed my shoulder and said again, that she was sorry.

Then I went to my next stop and a man was trying to get into the parking spot I was clearly already turning into.  He honked, he threw a fit, flipped me off and screamed.  Then I watched him walk into the Christian bookstore.  Obviously I'm not the only Christian dealing with anger today.

I wont even get into the lady that cut me off in line.  I was staring at her like, hello dimwit, but she knew what she did as she had to walk around me to cut me off.  Maybe this invisible feeling I have isnt all in my head.  Then I sneezed and a kind lady behind me said ever so softly, bless you.  I thanked her then started crying.

SO, decide that a mani and pedi is cheaper than bail or a stay in the nearest mental ward so I settled into my pedicure chair with my glass of wine, don't judge, and not 1, not 2, not even 3 but 4 pregnant ladies came in to get pedicures.  You can't make this stuff up.  The guy doing one of their pedicures asked the biggest one when she was due and she glowingly says, 2 weeks.  May 14.

Of course.  My due date.

So I was the blonde lady crying in the pedicure chair while the people working there were talking 1000 miles a minute in the language only they understand to each other but from the looks on their faces I'm assuming it had something to do with the nut job in chair number 3.

It starts raining as I'm leaving, so I run to my car in my cute pink pedicure foam flip flops and slip on the white line in the parking lot and do a near straddle and my purse goes flying.

I was looking for the people who cart off the crazies in my rearview mirror but they were nowhere to be found.

I get in my car and my iPhone starts playing "Ronan."  If you've wondered how many breakdowns one person can have in the course of a few hours, I'm at 5.

I miss Tucker and Fletcher.  Of course and obviously.  But there is also a little boy that I can't get off my heart.  Jonas has been on the forefront of my heart and mind lately.  Tucker and Fletcher weren't my first experience of losing a son.  Jonas came into my life when he was a year old.

"I remember your bare feet, down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs
I love you to the moon and back"

I remember his husky little voice.  I can't even tell you how many Thomas the Trains I stepped on.  He didn't play with dinosaurs, he played with trains.  On the kitchen floor.  While I made us dinner.

"I remember your blue eyes, looking into mine 
like we had our own secret club
I remember your dancing before bedtime
Then jumping on me waking me up"

He has green eyes.  It was just me and him so much of the time.  He became my world, my best friend.  He'd jump into bed with me and we'd talk and tell stories for hours.  He'd grab my face and tell me, "You are my Missy and you are beautiful."

"I can still feel you hold my hand, little man
And even in the moment I knew, You fought it hard like an army guard
Remember I, leaned in and whispered to you

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years"

I remember the last time I saw him.  I didn't know it would be my last time or I would have never let him go.  We went to a japanese steakhouse, just he and I after the park, and he wanted to try my sushi.  I told him he wouldn't like it but he insisted.  I gave him a roll and he ate it, then gagged, spit it out and said, "Missy, why did you give me that?  I'm just a little boy."  We laughed!  Then I dropped him off and I told him I loved him and he said he loved me.  I asked him how much, he said "This much!" with his arms outstretched.  I didn't know that would be the last time I saw my little buddy.  He was my best 4 years.  

"I remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming why, flowers pile up in the worst way

No one knows what to say, about a beautiful boy who died
And its about to be halloween , you could be anything
You wanted if you were still here.

I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
And I whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
And this hospital grey will just disappear"

I will never forget the drive home Christmas night with Mom and Jason in the car from the hospital.  Packed full of flowers from people who loved us who wanted to brighten our dark world.  I will never forget that it took all I had to not beg Jason to just keep driving.  To anywhere but where we headed.  Into a life without the 2 boys who had taken our hearts with them.

"What if I'm standing in your closet
Trying to talk to you?
And what if I kept your hand-me-downs
You won't grow in to?
And what if I really thought some miracle
Would see us through?
And what if the miracle was even getting
One moment with you?"

Moving and packing unearthed too much stuff.  Bibs I got the babies.  Toys we had picked for them.  Toys I had saved from Jonas that I wanted our boys to play with.   Clothes of Jonas' that I wanted to share with them.  The kids were helping us pack and found a mirror that I had hanging in Jonas' room from my old house and there were stickers he had put on it, still there.  L went to pull them off, thinking, like anyone, that they didn't mean anything.  Of course he wouldn't know that to me, they meant everything.

I really, honestly, with everything that was in me believed we would have our miracle.  After we lost Tucker, I knew, I just knew, that Fletcher was going to be our miracle.  For 10 days, he was writing our miracle story.

I have never thought of it, before today.  But what if the miracle, was the hours we spent holding our baby boys.  I had always wanted to hold my baby.  Our babies.  I wanted to know what our love would create.  What that love would look like.  We got our miracles.  2 of them.  Nothing will ever take that from us.

"Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here"

Tucker and Fletcher flew away.  They took a part of me with them that I will never get back.  I loved them in a way I didn't know I could love.

Our story, it's not over.  I have to believe that God has something that at some point will be shown to us, given to us, that will make this all more bearable.  

I have loved 3 very special boys.  I don't have any of them with me, anymore.  Except in my dreams, in my thoughts and forever, for always, in my heart.  

And for me, for now, that has to be enough.  

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