Friday, September 5, 2014

I wish...

I wish I could simply move on.

I wish I channel the hurt and disappointment into motivation to get to a place that won't be so painful as this. 

I'm unsure how to navigate this loss. I feel like my life for the past few years has been an expensive game of Jenga. Lost Tucker and the column shakes but it doesn't fall. Fletcher dies and it's pretty obvious everything is going to crumble but it doesn't. I lived my life waiting out the shaking, waiting for the world to right again so that I'd feel comfortable moving on without fear that one hard wind would knock it over. I spent so much time trying to shield myself from the gusts, I was completely caught off guard when it was nothing more than a whisper that collapsed my world. 

I wish that moving on was as easy as it sounds. As others make it out to be. If I could identify which pain was more dominant than I may have a chance at healing. Right now I feel like I'm bleeding out and I'm surrounded by people that want to help me but as soon as they place their loving hands over the wound of losing Jason, the blood starts pouring faster from the break of losing the kids. I catch myself lost in thought of how their new schools are and if they are happy, if they miss me as much as I miss them. Do they understand that I loved them in a way that was honest and sincere and I'm unsure how to move past that and the hurt that I might not have mattered to them as much as they mattered to me crushes my heart. 

I don't know what hurts the most so I'm unsure how to move on from it. Letting go of embryos is releasing the last part of of a whole world of hope I held onto for a long time. It's letting go of the belief that J will one day wake up and realize that him walking out of my life was the moment my world stopped making sense. It hadn't felt right since the boys died but that he could walk away from me without a single glance back, crushed my heart in a way that nothing compares to. Not mattering to someone has to be the biggest disappointment and hurt in life. 

I want to move on. I'm just not sure of what to put my energy into. Each loss is different but equal in that they all have left me alone with more questions than answers. 

I'm strong. I know I am. You don't get over losing twin baby boys if you don't have some strength. You don't sit with your grandmother as she makes her way to heaven if you don't have enough strength to know that the bond you have will be stronger than the loss she leaves behind.  You don't get thru your best friend walking out on you and leaving you sobbing on the floor. You aren't capable of knowing you have 3 kids down the road who you can't see but can still walk thru life.  You can't get thru if you don't have strength. 

I'm proud of my strength but I'm tired. If I could identify what hurts the most, which pain I'm supposed to let go of first, which loss I'm supposed to move on from, which dream I'm supposed to be ok with losing, which relationship I'm supposed to be ok missing, if I could identify which loss shook my life the most, I might be able to start to move on. 

If I weren't so strong, if I couldn't manage to make it thru so much loss, would I have had to prove myself in such a painful way?  If I weren't strong enough to get thru losing everyone I loved, would I still have them? 

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