Monday, September 1, 2014

Doormat or obedient, selfless or stupid?

I don't suppose it's a shock to anyone that my life has, once again, turned a new corner.  I have 2 options when life turns a direction I wasn't expecting, cope or don't.  Deal or run away.  Sink or swim.

I've been reading a lot lately and was reminded of how much I like to swim.  I'm going to spend more time enjoying that than worrying about drowning.

I've been confused.  The past few weeks have been some of the most devastating I have faced in a really long time.  I lost J a long time ago.  He made a decision that he didn't want me in his life a year ago and I fought through love, words, actions, deeds, apologies, tears, to try to get us to a point of reconciliation.

I have a peace now because I realized, what I was holding onto is no longer there.  People change.  You find out the true spirit and heart of a person through the hard times and the hard times revealed in us a couple that wasn't compatible.  I wanted to fight to restore and hold true for better and worse, he decided to go the way of the world that if you aren't happy that gives you an out.

I've held on, for much too long.  I have found a peace through the troubles that surround me.  I may have placed unfair expectations on my husband.  In that I believed that when times got tough, we'd stay together and work thru them.  He didn't see that as a viable option.  So he left.  More than a few times.  And he's made himself a life that includes whats important to him.  His kids, our dog, his work, football, activities.  He never had time to talk to me.  Never would meet me.  To think that a relationship as important as a marriage could sustain, let alone be restored, through the only means of communication he would allow, text, was ludicrous and brought nothing but misunderstanding, hurt and pain.

The past few weeks I've been lost.  I've been lost in a pain I couldn't put words to which frustrated me because I believe that when you put words to something they lose power.  I don't know if it was simply my heart trying to protect the brokenness but I couldn't get it.  I didn't understand.  I couldn't comprehend that someone who was once my lover, my protector, my everything had chosen to become nothing to me.  And took everything I loved and held dear with him.

That there is the end of the sad.

I fought, I prayed, I loved, I believed, I trusted, I wanted, I begged.  I wanted my husband back.

He didn't want me.


But thanks.

Because in the past few days, that I have filed for divorce from a man who didn't want me, I've gained a new kind of being.  I'm me again.  I'm free.  I was waiting for a sign to show me that it was ok to end a marriage that the other had given up on and that freed me to do the same.  I'll never stop loving him.  I'll never stop believing in him.  But loving someone who he no longer is was crushing my spirit.  He changed which breaks my heart because the man I fell in love with was amazing. He was caring and giving and compassionate and kind. He would never have placed such unrealistic ideals that getting over the deaths of boys is something you can just wish away and act as thought they didn't exist. He wasn't just ok with that, that I wanted them to matter was beyond him.   I know, with all that I am, that the man I fell in love with and married was the best there was.  Simply, he was my best friend and we fit.  Loss changes people and unfortunately I lost the best of the man I loved. 

He ran away and I grew wings.  I've become a very big me.  My dreams are big, my hopes are bigger.  My hurt was way too big so I had to acknowledge what was hurting me so it wouldn't have so much power over me.  Wanting someone who no longer wants you is probably the most painful form of rejection someone can face, but I'm ok.

I'm better than ok.  I outgrew him.  I knew this a long time ago.  While I was healing and he was running, I found my voice. I found my heart, my passion, my joy and my spirit.  It was restored.  My marriage wasn't but my soul has never been fuller.  He hates that I blog to help others because it reminds him of the boys we lost. The fact that I have no husband, no toddlers or 3 kids I love, is a pretty in your face reminder everyday I can't forget. I've never understood how burying your head in the sand and running back to a life you hated would get you anywhere other than to a sad life. 

So I left that behind me.

I have lost a lot.  Some like to say that makes me a victim.  I say, ok.  Some say that i took too long to grieve.  Ok.  It no longer affects me because I've decided what is important to put energy into and what i need to leave behind.  And the snarky winches who have nothing better to do than to judge a woman who loves God, loves others and tries her best to be better than she was yesterday is completely lost on people who are content merely existing. 

I'm not made to exist, I'm made to live.

I'm leaving behind a man who showed me so many beautiful things.  We laughed, we loved, we created memories, we raised kids, we had kids, we lost babies, we lived a very full life in a few short years.  Maybe it wasn't as long as I had hoped for but what I have found has given me the strength to move on and the understanding that you can't spend your time trying to convince someone else to see the beauty, the strength the growth in you when it doesn't matter to them.  You do nothing but lose when you're fighting with someone who is a quitter.

I woke up, every single day, crushed because my husband left me and turned his back.  I'm not mad at him.  That's his decision.  I had a decision I had to get to as well though.  I could continue to hurt every day by being rejected by a family i loved with my whole heart who no longer had a place for me and grieve and hurt and cry over what I had lost or I could be thankful for the beautiful years I had with them and realize it was time to let them go.

This poem hit me hard. Right between the eyes and heart hard. It's beautiful and poignant and true. 

I'm moving on.  I can get hurt every single day by the rejection of a man who no longer believes in me, wont see or talk to me, ended our marriage over text, (I'll see your break up post in note Carrie Bradshaw and raise you a text divorce.) I can be angry about that or I can consider how much he must be running from if he couldn't even say to my face that the marriage was over.  I know that doesn't make me a coward.

The process has started and I have something I haven't had in years.  I have freedom to be me.  With no apologies, no regrets and no looking back.  My life is full, I have beautiful people surrounding me and as I face this new meantime of waiting, I'm not sure I've ever been so excited.

I know, without a doubt, who I am, what I believe and what I have to offer.  I'm headed in the direction of a beautiful place and for the first time in too many long, painful months, I'm not weighed down by heartache but am lifted by excitement.

I'm finally free to be me!

No comments:

Post a Comment