I have so much inside me and it just feels like if I start talking or crying I may never stop. Which isn't great news as tears are (still) streaming down my face. Satan is on the attack and it's literally coming at every direction. And I'm so tired of it. I wish I had more grace in moments like this but sometimes life just really hurts. Right now I'm in the midst of some great pain and mighty struggles.
Tonight at church they had a kid's choir sing and it was literally all I could do to keep from running out of that church. I have been missing J and praying for him more over the past few days than usual. Fri night I heard a song on the radio that he used to sing to me and I got sad but I listened to it and shared how he sang it to me with Megan and we laughed and sang it and I was ok. But then times like tonight I don't think I'll be able to stand the hole in my life that's missing from him not being here. Then I got in the car and on the radio was Steven Curtis Chapman's new song "Heaven is the Face." There's a line in it that "heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss." And it brought it all right back to me. Making him breakfast, saying his prayers with him, taking him to school so he could see his "girls," him telling me I was beautiful to him and he loved his Missy. Broke my heart. I miss my little boy.
I am struggling. I'm trying my best to be the faithful, loving, forgiving, compassionate, considerate person I was raised to be. Some days life just doesn't make sense. God's sending me reminders, I'm trying to look for them. Every day I'm working on it.
Tomorrow is a new day.