Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Stockholm Syndrom and white knuckled faith

I've been praying for quite a lot lately. And as forgotten as I feel sometimes, God seems to go out of His way to make me feel loved, my prayers acknowledged, my feelings validated and my weary heart restored with His promises. Today was one of those days.

I've prayed for change, I've prayed for strength, I've prayed for courage. As many things as He's brought me through over the years, I think, maybe, like the captives that feel connected and bound to the captor, I've done the same. I've spent the past few years trying to find my new self. I've just come to understand that I have found my new self but it was always attached to this is me post divorce, or post miscarriage, or post losing Jonas, or post job loss, or post total life upheaval.....and that's why I have felt so weighted down. Those are part of who I am but they don't define who I am. Anymore.

I have given money to a K Love when I'm in KY and the Promise when I'm in Jax as my tithe. Music heals, it heals me, and I feel that's a strong ministry. I got a phone call today and I never answer my phone. Ever. Especially from a number I don't recognize. And my phone is always on silent. But today, because I was waiting on a call from the Dr. I had the ringer turned on. At 530 it rang, I knew the Dr's office was closed but I answered it anyhow. It was K Love. I assumed they were calling to ask for a donation, I'd never gotten a call from them before. But the lady wanted to know if I had anything they could pray for. I gave her a few things that were heavy on my heart and then I threw in also to pray for a job for me.

Then my phone rang again and it was my dad. We talked recently about a job opportunity that may be available in Lexington and he had left a voicemail for the president of the company that bears the president guy's name. And because my dad is my dad, he got a call back. Mr President of Company had called my dad back and talked to him. Dad told him that I had had a few really bad years and basically needed someone to give me a break. And that my resume didn't match the opening they had but would he look at it. And he said of course. And gave my dad his cell phone number for me to text him when I emailed it. I have sent out countless of resumes over the past year. I haven't had a phone call, email, or smoke signal from anyone in months. This guy handed over his cell phone number for me to text him.

Will anything come of this? I don't know. But I know open doors when I see them and I can't deny that this was orchastrated by God. I don't know if this will turn into anything. I know that I sat at the computer crying and praying before I hit send because this job would mean moving to a city very far from my parents and friends and that for the past 20 years has been home. But I realized in that moment that it wasn't about a job in Ky. It wasn't about anything more than did I trust God enough to hit send. To completely and totally give control of my life to him. And for the first time in my life I can say that I have totally surrendered to Him. This isn't about employment. This is about faith.

And I hit send...

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