I had a good hair day today. Where more than a few people stopped me to tell me I looked pretty. And my hair looked nice. It was big curled and bouncy and it put some pep in my step. I love having pep in my step.
I read a lot of books. Always have. I'm surprised by the lack of books I've found on being a step mom. But the one I did find and have started reading makes me feel less alone. It's written by the Evil Step Mom and the Ex-Wife. Nice to see that most of what I go through is pretty text book. That people act a certain way because they are scared. That the Ex wife is coming from a place of fear. That the step mom knows her dirty secrets. That's she's afraid she'll be exposed. The Step Mom comes from a places of frustration that she's always placed in a bad light. That she's not a real mom so she can't possibly makes good decisions for kids that aren't hers. Scared that she won't measure up. Doesn't make it easier but makes me feel less crazy. The kids are the easy part. It's everything that is attached to them that is hard. But I'm trusting that things will get better. I love those kids. I pray that they know I love them through actions, words and deeds.
There's some "Christian" misconception floating around the social media world and another world a little north of here that is chafing me. That because I'm a Christian I'm not allowed to get upset. Or speak the truth. Or lose my cool. I'm a sinner, saved by God's grace. I like to think myself pretty calm, cool and collected. Til I'm pushed to far. Then I kinda lose it. But who wouldn't? I'm not proud of it. But it certainly doesn't make me a Non Christian. Believe me. Because when I really want to scream and point to people and say "Liar, Cheater, Thief, Hypocrite" I instead walk away and don't. So many times I want to not walk away. That's not very Christian of me to have those feelings. When I do actually lose my cool, then let's chat about me not being a Christian. Til then, let's clear some things up. Yes, I'm a Christian. No, that doesn't mean I think I'm perfect. Repeat. Again. And again.
I'm not a mean person. But when I get pushed to the edge sometimes I toe the line of being mean I suppose. I may call someone trashy if they are trashy. I may make a comment about a shirt being ridiculous if it's ridiculous. I may even be so bold to call someone a liar if they lie or a cheater if they cheat. Oh the nerve!! It's something I'm not proud of but I'm not a mean girl by nature. I was around mean girls recently. Ones that looked at me and laughed. And made rude comments and snide remarks. About what exactly I'm not real sure but they weren't subtle about it. Probably weren't meaning to be. They have the right. But I like to try to live by these words "Keep your head, heels and standards high." Easier said than done sometimes. I have been guilty of calling a spade an ugly skunk spade.
There are 3 people in this world who don't like me. And by don't like me I'm being kind. Actually that number is wrong because they have lil minions that follow in their lead of not liking me. One I can mostly forget about, one I can sometimes forget about and one I can never forget about. But the one thing that the 3 people have in common besides their dislike for me is their hearts and their character. They are liars. They are cheaters. They have hardened hearts. That's not my issue. That's theirs. Sometimes I've fed into their lies, their games, their deceit. Sometimes I've said hateful things in retaliation to hurt, and pain and fear. But those 3 people all share the same qualities. I can't be mad that people I'd never associate with if I didn't have to or make the wrong choice to don't like me. Or that they have other people who are following their lead. "I prayed that God would protect me from my enemies and I started losing (friends, family, co-workers, neighbors)" Fill in the blank.
I'm not a bad person. I'm someone trying to get by in a beautiful life that sometimes has more bumps than I know how to maneuver. But so far I've gotten by. And I'll continue.
The next few weeks I some medical things coming up. I have been googling and driving myself mad trying to figure out the ins and outs and what ifs of some things I'm facing and then God kinda gently nudged me into "Remember me? The one who has your best in mind? If you'll trust me?" Still learning that lesson.
People will let you down. Other's will make you half passed crazy. But if you're lucky you'll have a husband, or friends, or parents, or kids, or a cute lil clumsy puppy that will give you enough love to comfort you through the hard times.
I'm blessed because through the recent "mean" time I have a greater sense of who I am and how far I can be pushed without breaking. With head, heels and standards all held sky high. Bouncy hair and all!