Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Oh baby, drama and balloon animals

Today was a day that I wanted to hurt people. For all kinds of offenses. Loud breathing, chewing, dumb questions, dumb comments, dumb jokes. Oh I hate jokes. I'm a woman on the edge right now. Know what's not a good idea when you're on the edge and any noise is liable to drive you over? Going to a restaurant where they make balloon animals tableside. Do you know how much noise making a balloon animal makes? No? A LOT!! I had to get up and go to the bathroom to not take my steak knife to the balloon elephant. Wow! And we were at a normal restaurant. Great marketing idea there. Balloon animals tableside. Psht!

Sometimes I blog because I need to get stuff out of me and sometimes I blog because I feel like God is guiding me through it. The past few nights I've been lead to blog but havent because I wasn't sure where to go or what to say. Now I pick a night where I'll probably say too much but those tend to make for more exciting blogs.

First off. People need to back off. My life is not lived for other people's ideas, agenda's or drama. There is a lot going on in my life and if I really sat still long enough to process I might possibly make it over the edge. Head first. You know when you have that person in your life that you are quite certain was put on this earth just to drive you mad? And you feel like everything they do is being done for the sole purpose of making you crazy? I have a few (dozen) of those people. What's that quote.."If people knew how little I actually thought about them they'd be upset" or something to that effect. I dont know. I think I just butchered a quote. Not even sure what I'm trying to say. I don't live my life in a way to rub anything in anyone else's face. I don't live my life in a way to project my beliefs or feelings onto other's. I'm not rubbing my handsome husband in anyone's face when I walk down the street holding his hand. I'm not showboating when I tell or show my parents or Nana how much they mean to me. I'm not ignoring someone else when I don't include them in every single part of my life. When you only include yourself in my life to find fodder to judge me on, chances are I'm not going to invite you into my every day goings on. Glad that's off my chest.

‎"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway."Eleanor Roosevelt


I'm very transparent. I think that's something that makes some people uncomfortable and makes other's feel less alone. This blog now will maybe toe the line of both.

Nothing in my life really follows the lines of easy or typical. I think as a woman with the desire to be a mother, it's natural to think about being pregnant. And how you'll announce your pregnancy to those you love. And how you'll feel during the pregnancy and after and will you be as good of a mother to your own children as you've been to others?

When I got pregnant the first time, the circumstances couldnt be more different than where I'm at now. I found out in the midst of my world crumbling apart. I found out I was pregnant around the same time I found out my husband was having an affair with his secretary. Do you know how much I despise being so cliche? So annoying! So, there went any of the dreams and ideas I had of springing the news on people. And while I was trying to plan my course and figure out how to keep my life from spinning out of control I had a miscarriage. Alone. Because I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant I wasn't sure how to tell them I no longer was. Whoa, heavy stuff here tonight.

So now I'm in a 100% completely different place. I'm wanting to be pregnant with my best friends baby. I want his baby. I want our baby. We've been trying. And we've been having some trouble. So we're seeing someone for help in growing our family. Big fat deep breath out.

I'm surprised how few people talk about this. I know I've felt kind of alone in this sometimes. Ive had some people come out of the woodworks who have been through what I'm going through or are facing it with me. But it's not something a lot of people talk about. I'm not damaged because I need assistance. It doesn't make me less of a woman because I need help. No one really talks about this so even as I'm typing this I'm wondering, is there a reason I shouldnt be sharing this? I mean, this whole blog has been pretty much an open book into my life so no one should be surprised that I'm sharing details of my life on here. But it makes me stop and wonder, is there some invisible fertility line I'm crossing by talking about it?

I'm a firm believer in talking about things. And praying together about things. How many people are going through their life feeling completely alone because no one is talking about something they are going through? When truth be told, everyone is going through something?

I know I'm not alone in this. I'm not sure why God placed it on my heart for the past few nights to put this out there but He did, so I did. Heart meet sleeve!

Jason and I are going to grow our family. Hopefully sooner than later. I know it will be in God's perfect timing. I know that when God opens the doors we will walk through faithfully even if it's scary because it's unknown. The next month or so will be exciting. Family is coming, work is going great, may be headed to New Orleans for a few days, it's our anniversary month, and with God's blessing, maybe this is the month my pregnancy story will change. I'm a mom. And God willing, someday soon I'll be pregnant with my very own baby. YAY!!

Years ago, I was a sad person married to the wrong man losing a baby, a son and my mind. And I was judged the entire time I was trying to figure out how to keep my head about water.

I refuse to not talk about something I'm going through because of fear of judgement. Things are more scary in the dark, right? Let's shed some light on things. I'm speaking to someone out there. You aren't alone. Even if it's not fertility, it's something. Find someone to talk to. Don't be ashamed because you may be living something not a lot of people openly talk about. It doesn't make you damaged. It makes you human.

So here's the 2nd thing. Stop judging how people handle things in their life. Unless you want to walk a mile in my 4.75" stilettos then we'll chat as you're soaking your aching feet moaning about how hard it is. Blah blah too little too late blah!

Thanks for the kind words and feedback from this blog. It keeps me sane. Most days. My prayer is that my transparency helps you, encourages you and brings you to a place where you know there are other's going through things too.

My email is mnbillington@gmail.com It's meant to be out there for someone, if it's you, I'm all ears! Email me. I'm blessed because I know God is working through me. I'm blessed because I am not going through this journey alone.

More to come, I'm sure...

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