It always amuses me seeing the blogs that get the most views. And the ones that get the most re-views. Hopefully the message gets through of what my heart is trying to speak. Or scream. Whatev. If I can't do it face to face maybe this blog will suffice. One can hope.
Jason and I met 5 years ago. Ha, inside joke. Only 2. Feels like 12. How funny time is. To know someone so well, to know their smirks, their smiles and their facial expressions, their heart, their soul, their hopes, dreams, fears, and disappointments. 2 years doesn't seem like nearly long enough to have known my best friend and all that makes him who he is. And makes us who we are.
He sees in me something I don't always see in myself. He really does make me strive to be better, if only because I feel like he deserves to have the best. Our life isn't perfect. We have bad days. We have days where he gets the silent treatment for the majority of the time we're together but he's come to understand that sometimes I go inside myself to figure things out. And then I come out better. We have days where we talk about our dreams and share our fears. We have days where we lay in bed and laugh until we cry. There really is no better feeling of comfort in this world then to have a person you love and trust more than anything be your shoulder to cry on, be your voice of reason and be the person to hold your hand and hug you when that is the only thing that will make it all better. God knew that I needed him. And only exactly he would do.
We went on vacation last week and instead of going away and running ourselves ragged, we stayed close to home and went camping. We were spittin distance to the beach and pool, we were next door to our friends and their kids, we were close enough but far enough away from home to just relax.
Sitting on the beach was therapeutic. I was out of sorts because I have so much going on in my head. There were questions I had to pray about and seek the answers for regarding a lot of things. Stepparenting, IVF, work, marriage, family. I sat on the beach one day for about 4 hours, by myself, while Jason had the kids at the pool and I just prayed, and cried, and quieted the voices in my head and listened. And I walked back to the camper feeling more ready than I have been since we started this baby journey. Thankful that I serve a God who gives us answers when we go to Him in prayer.
We went looking for crabs a few nights. 2nd night we hit the motherload. I picked up a crab because the 2 men wouldnt, the 5 kids were screaming and then I realized it was me screaming when a crab was hanging off my finger. Then the 2 men were laughing and the kids were still screaming. I'm never one to back down from a challenge so I went in for the bigger crab and that sucker pinched the crap out of me again. This time hanging on my thumbnail on either side. The kids were freaking out, I was laughing and screaming. Our friend finally whacked it off my nail and the poor thing lost a chomper claw in the process. Then died I think. It was a hard fought battle. Jason thought I was completely stupid for getting bit twice but was impressed at my crab whispering skills!
Back to the real world a better me. A week away did wonders for my tan and my soul. I needed time with my husband, with our family, with our friends, to just be us. Not the dolled up, stressed out version I've been lately, the trucker cap, flip flop, bathing suit wearing, down to earth me that I have missed.
I have a trucker hat with "princess" across the front I'm going to start wearing as soon as I get home everyday 1. To remind myself that I need to chill out and relax and pray more than I worry. and 2. To remind Jason that he is, in fact, married to a princess and needs to act accordingly.
Blessed because God answered the prayers of my heart, calmed the fears of my mind and has prepared me for what the next month will bring. Bring it on IVF, time to get this baby story started!!