Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Not pregnant

I mean, big shocker, right?  I start IVF in a few weeks, why would I think I was pregnant?

1.  I'm cranky and emotional
2.  I'm bloated and cranky
3.  I'm tired and bloated
4.  I had a dream I was pregnant and woke up bloated and convinced I was pregnant
5.  I'm emotional

So I did what every normal person does when they wake up from a dream where they are pregnant and took a test thinking this was my miraculous baby story. 


We have learned that I'm not pregnant, I'm just crazy, emotional and bloated.  I'm beginning to think it's just become who I am.  This bloated, cranky, emotional mess.  Jason is a lucky, lucky man!

This morning I got my updated IVF schedule and the nurse has called in my cache of meds.  Nothing like spending $5000 on shots that are going to make you more crazy. 

I had acupuncture last week.  The acupuncturist has PCOS and understood all of what I am going through outside of IVF.  And she has a very strong knowledge of that as she does a lot of Dr B's patients.  She made me feel better, emotionally and physically.  She taught me some meditative breathing that helped me relax as she stuck pins all through me.  Jason is freaked out and can't understand why I'd subject myself to this but I believe in Chinese medicine as much as Western Meds.  And the needles don't bother me.  The ones in a few weeks will be more scary as I'm told the meds can be pretty painful.  (The progesterone is mixed with oil so it's super thick!!  And the needle is like 18" long.  Yikes!)

I was laying on the acupuncture table in a cold, dark room, with a heat lamp on to warm me, needles in my feet, legs, hands, stomach and ears, music playing, thunderstorm happening outside and I did the meditative breathing she taught me and I prayed.  I relaxed, I breathed (?) I prayed and I cried.  So many emotions.  Will I be able to handle what the next month is throwing at me?  What if I get pregnant?  I know that's a weird question but this is something I've wanted so badly for so long, what will I do when I get pregnant?  Thinking of being pregnant makes me anxious.  Why?  I don't know, possibly because I'm crazy!  What if I don't get pregnant? I'm not allowed to even think that because you have to only think positive thoughts and not stress.  How will I deal with and handle the emotional rollercoaster Jason and I are about to strap ourselves into?

This morning, laying in bed after I got my negative pregnancy result, I was thinking about all kinds of things.  The biggest question that kept coming into my head was what if I'm not meant to have babies?  Would I be ok with that?  Right now the answer is no, I wouldn't be.  That's something I'm praying about.  It's very hard in a situation like this to pray for God's will when you so desperately want God's will to align with your dreams.  I don't think that will be my fate.  God continues to nurture the dream and hope of me having mine and Jason's babies.  Of me being pregnant, of him holding my hand through the pregnancy and births.  Of us bringing our kids home.  Of us raising our babies, together.  Tears!!

What is God's will for us?  We will find out.  I know that regardless of emotions, bloating, crabbiness and negative tests, God is preparing my heart for something.  I feel it.  He's preparing me.  I know it.  He's preparing me.  I'm blessed because of it. 

God is preparing me for our baby.  I believe it...

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