I've reached the anger part of the crazy.
Had a dr appt today. Sitting in the waiting room with Jason with other couples who were there to see their babies made me angry. Jason and I always high five when good things happen. Saw a couple high five after I saw her cute pregnant bump and I wanted to punch her. Anger.
There was a lady, and I use the term loosely, who apparently came to the dr on her lunch break from Wackos, checking out Jason as she mosied on over to her chair in her stripper heals and I wanted to hang her by her fake hair from the chandalier or drown her in the fountain in the middle of the waiting room. Angry!
The nurse had to draw blood and as she was looking I realized how scarred up my arms are from my time spent in the hospital. She stuck me once and didnt get enough blood. She stuck me again by using a scar on my arm as a guide for where a good vein was. And it hurt and I wanted to punch her. Angry, angry, angry.
This is all so confusing. I have never lost my faith in this. I know that God is using this crap for something good. I know that this is not the end of our story. I know this is the beginning of something beautiful. I really know that. I have hope. I am thankful for the blessings in my life. I really honestly am.
But I am so hurt I don't know when I'll ever feel normal. I am so empty that there is an actual ache inside. Grieving 101 should say that you will not get over it as quickly as the world does. I know that people don't know what to say so most say nothing. I've been in that position. But this is the loneliest thing I have ever been through. I have amazing support in my husband and my parents and family. And my faithful friends that text and message me that they don't know what to say but are praying. I'm so thankful because I feel like I have exhausted the "please pray for this..." quota on facebook. But I am hurting. My milk coming in has been the most painful physical reminder. I so looked forward to breastfeeding my boys. I keep waiting for them to kick. I feel like maybe it's a blessing that I never did.
I don't understand. But I know many have faced this before and gotten through it. I know I will too. My body will heal and my anger will subside. Some of that is hormones some is just emotions. God isn't mean. Other people are deserving. I need to remind myself of that more often. Kim Kardashian getting pregnant was not just to make me cry. The lady I know who is on her 6th baby with her 5th baby daddy deserves love too. I guess.
I read somewhere that sometimes God does things we don't see because if we can't see what He's doing then Satan can't either. So for that I have to say, thank you God. Because throughout my life, especially the past 2.5 years with Jason, when blessings come at us, Satan comes at us stronger. When we have good happen, we can almost see Satan attacking us. I need this break even if it means I don't see God working right now. I like to think He's protecting me.
I read this too and as much as it broke my heart it speaks more than I ever could.
"Lord, I waited to hold my little ones on my lap and tell them about you. But since I never had the chance, will you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
There is comfort I have to cling to in that. Who better than my Heavenly Father to tell my boys about me? I know that will make for a pretty colorful bedtime story.
I'm blessed. With tears streaming down my face and ache in my heart, I hear my parents and husband in the other room talking and I know I have never been more loved and I will get through this. Different but ok. I've always been different, so I know I'll be ok!!
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteWhen Joi and I lost Jessica ion 1984 I spent the entire night laying on the bathroom floor in St. Vincents screaming and crying out to God in my anger and grief. When we walked through the ward the next day to exit the hospital I was so mad I wanted to choke every nurse, mother, dad, and staff person in the hospital. When the chaplain/nun met with me later that day, she said something surprising. First she told me she had slipped in the room the previous evening to check on Joi and heard me crying out in the bathroom. Then she asked, "Jesse, if Jesus was willing to take the blows given by the Roman soldiers and Temple guards, don't you think he is big enough to handle the rage you are feeling right now?" This blew me away, because I had never looked at anger that way before. What I found is that God does not want me to hide my feelings (rage, anger, etc.), but rather express them completely and openly to Him. Let it out! Give vent to your feelings and hurts and confusion. Just direct them all at the one who loves you most and knows you best.