So it's no secret that my patience is near record lows and nearly everything gets on my nerves but the past few days I've really been thinking about some things and I think I'm starting to figure stuff out.
Going on vacation this week and it can't get here fast enough. It's the first annual joint family vaca with the kids and both sets of parents. We're going camping at Disney and we're going to some waterparks.
I don't know whose idea a waterpark vacation was. (it was mine.) But I must have had this genius thought on a skinny day. 2 days in a swimsuit walking around and 1 day at an amusement park walking around sounds like as much fun as a day spent trying on shorts. I don't wear shorts. Ever. Because if I do find a pair of shorts that fit me standing up, as soon as I sit down, my thighs expand to 3 times their normal size. And the boys did a number on my stomach. If anyone gets past my thunder thighs to look higher, they will see what looks to be a busted can of biscuits where my stomach should be.
Can't hardly wait!
We are snorkling one of the days so last night I practiced in our pool for the first time. I was minding my own business and concentrating on my breathing and suddenly I see a rare albino dolphin swimming through the pool. For those who haven't read my previous blog post about the beach, Jason swam below me with his white hiney exposed. Then he was so kind as to put water in the top spout and I nearly drown myself.
I make it out of the pool and go home to relax with our dog. Our dog that is is short bus special. Today Jason heard a weird noise coming from the kitchen and went in to see that our genius dog had figured out if she pushed on the water dispenser on our fridge she could get water on demand. As she was drinking the water that was coming out, she also flooded our kitchen. She looks so sweet to be so rotten.
I have had a hard time praying since Dec. I have always believed in the power of prayer and even though I kind of knew that Tucker wasn't going to make it, I really believed that Fletcher was. God and I have had a kind of tumultuous relationship lately. I try to pray then remember that I'm angry and I can't finish. But I pray during my non prayers that God understands. Which I think He probably does. I've had a lot of people close to me request prayer over the past few months and I always find it easier to pray for them than for myself. A dear friend requested prayers for his daughter this weekend and I have been praying for her. Expecting and believing that God will heal her and that they will get good news this week. Today it hit me, for the first time since we lost the boys I think, that maybe God took them to save us from future heartache and not to punish me. I don't think I ever really even realized that that was what my heart believed.
I have also come to understand that people that get annoyed with things I post or people that get annoyed with anything that someone else may post on social media is probably a result of something I have termed "Guilty Flippin Conscience."
If I post about my feelings being hurt because I haven't heard from someone and you take offense, maybe, even though it wasn't directed at you, you are guilty in your own mind. If I post that I want to punch someone because I got into a fight you are unaware of and you think I might be talking about you, maybe you are guilty because you know that I have a right to be hurt by something you have done or said or not said to me. The thing about fb, twitter or blogs, for the most part, you don't always know the circumstances surrounding my rants unless you have the unfortunate luck of being my husband who hears EVERY rant. So maybe don't assume and your feelings won't be hurt over something that isn't about you.
I'm healing. Part of me is. Part of me won't ever fully heal because I'm walking around with only half my heart. But a weekend spent with the kids, their friends, our friends, family, my husband, our dog and my full life, the part of my heart that is left, is full. And the more we live, the more full it becomes.
I don't have all the answers to all the crap that life deals us but today I got part of my ability to cope back. I came to an understanding with my Jesus that even though my prayers weren't answered how I wanted them to be, that doesn't mean they weren't answered in the best way to further His kingdom, to show God's love and grace and to grow my trust in His plans for us. Doesn't make my hurt go away. Doesn't make me miss Tucker or Fletcher any less. But I know the plans God has for Missy and Jason. It's plans to prosper us. Plans for a bright future. I know this. Today, I believe this.
I'm blessed because today, as I prayed healing for someone else, God healed another piece of me.