The girls are having some friends sleepover this weekend. So last night, we spent some time cleaning. Found out if you give the kids a can of pledge and a rag, they will return an empty can, a dripping wet rag and a pledged out house. They did a great job. While jamming out to Regulators. We are awesome parents like that!
In our cleaning frenzy I forgot I needed to run to Publix so at 930 A and I jump in the truck and run to the store. Only as we were inside did I realize I'd run out without a bra on. Awesome! But it was L's bday today and we needed supplies.
Got back to the house and after he fell asleep we went to work. We made an obstacle course on the first set of stairs and made him some cards and had some balloons. This is the first birthday I think that we have had the kids on their bday and it was so nice waking him up to surprises and a breakfast cake made out of waffles with a powdered sugar doughnut on top. Then a slide through the course and they were out the door to school!
I was riding high on cloud 9. I love those kids so much. They are all so different and have their own personalities but they are all loving. They are kind. They are funny and they are fun. We have fun together. I really love them so much.
They leave for school and Satan starts in on me. "You know, you're just a stepmom..." They don't make me feel like that. I don't try to be their mom. They have one who is very involved in their lives and very much loves the kids. And is gracious enough to allow me to love them as well. But I got so wrapped up in a big birthday morning sendoff that it took me to my knees when later I saw on fb pics she had posted of L when he was born. Of A and K holding him and loving on him and adoring their baby brother.
I was getting ready to head to the school for A's awards and L's birthday cupcakes and I just lost it. So many of my dreams aren't not just not fulfilled, they are crushed. The kids were so excited about us having 2 boys. L most excited I think, to teach them all the weird boy things that boys do. But they were so excited. They talked of who would feed them, who would hold them and rock them. It appeared my only job would be diaper duty. I couldn't wait to share that with them.
Out of nowhere, something benign happens, and it sucks the breath out of you. You can't prepare for it because it's a moving target. Is it twins at a table near you at dinner, is it baby pics of one of your step kids, is it seeing a pregnant Mom with that pregnant glow. Any of these send me into a tailspin.
The kids ask questions sometimes. They know we have been back to talk to a dr and wanted to know what was going on so we try to be as open as we can. They want us to have another baby but they are as scared as we are of trying again. Of the what ifs. If I can't make it make sense to me, I find it even harder to try to make it make sense for them.
I'm still struggling with the understanding portion of this crap. On one hand we lost our boys and that creates a hole that we all feel. On the other hand, our family is pretty awesome. We have all grown this past 6 months. Together, individually and collectively, our family has changed.
We are stronger. We are closer. We are better. We are happy. We don't have the fights we did before. We don't have the separation we did before. We don't have the confusion, the picking sides and chaos that brings.
We have peace. We have laughs. We have fun and we make memories everytime we are together.
Our life is chaos. Always. Tomorrow we are going to have 5 girls staying with us. Poor Jason and L are going to need to find some man things to do in the garage or something. But I wouldn't change any of it. Nothing I can do will bring Fletcher or Tucker back into our arms. Our home. Our lives. But because of them and what we have gone through, we love more, we love deeper and we share ourselves wholly.
I may just be a stepmom. But I wouldn't trade any of these 3 kiddos for anything in the world. We may not have their brothers with us here, adding to the chaos, but they are part of all of us. God saw something in me to decide I could handle these roles. He saw patience and understanding in me to afford me the right to be their stepmom. He saw strength and perseverance in me to allow me to walk this road of Grieving mom. I know I am equally equipped to add a baby or 2 into the mix of our chaotic lives and I know that when that happens, it will be because everything else has fallen into place.
We aren't the same family we were in Dec. I don't know what bringing 2 babies into that life would have done to the dynamics of our family as it was. I know now that we are strong, we are united and when God decides it's time to grow our family again, it will be for the better of the whole Neu Crew.
I still miss my boys. Today was brutal. I wanted to hold them and sing to them so bad it actually hurt my heart but I made it out ok. And I went to a bday dinner with L and the family and I didn't just go, I went and I had a great time.
Things still hurt. Sometimes I still forget to breathe. But at the end of the day, I have my family, they make me smile, they love me and for right now, we are all better than ok.
I'm blessed because I have 3 very special kids here I get to love, hold, talk to and tell them how special they are to me. And I have 2 little boys who I can only imagine are spoiled rotten by some loving grandparents in heaven, holding them tightly because they know how my heart aches to do so.
And, as always and forever, I have my best friend. Always by my side! I so love that man of mine!
Tomorrow I will be better.