Saturday, June 15, 2013

Stupid Disney, happiest place on earth my butt

We are officially campers, I'd say. I love the camping life. Hair in braids, trucker hats, cooking out, riding bikes. All so fun and relaxing. 

Then life happens. One of the kids gets sick and throws a wrench in the plans.  But I wouldn't trade A sitting on my lap sick, while in our camping chairs, at the campsite, away from life for anything. 

But life still happens. Once I finally got my bike up on 2 wheels and it stayed that way, I may have fallen off a few times, blame the rain and slick flip flops or my uncoordinated self, I took a ride with K around the campground. It's been a good time of some one on one time with the kids at different points. And vacationing with the other set of parents is easy. The kids don't feel pulled, they get to make memories, together with both their families, and we get to relax and enjoy being together. 

But I must warn to any grieving parents out there, maybe don't go to Disney when you are getting over the loss of children.  It's not always the happiest place on earth when you see a mom holding a newborn. When you see toddlers toddling around. When every golf cart you pass has babies in it, it seems. 

It's so hard, this sucky balancing act between wanting to be happy and enjoy your time and trying to find a place to let your sobs escape without ruining anyone else's fun. 

I was naive, again, in thinking all the important dates and holidays had passed. I don't know why I assumed Father's Day wouldn't be hard. In a lot of ways, it's harder than Mother's Day. I see Jason with the kids and he's such a good dad.  He's a ride the bikes, throw the ball, hold the hair of the puking daughter, kind of Daddy. 

I'll never forget the care and love he had holding our boys. Our babies. The look of love, of awe, of pain and of heartbreak. All wrapped in one sucky bow of love and loss. 

Father's Day is hard. Being at the happiest place on earth isn't fun. I mean, if I'm being honest I've never really been a Disney and Mickey fan but I'd have still really liked the option of taking Tucker and Fletcher and buying them $30 mouse ears to wear, while complaining about long lines and smelly people and taking 1000 pictures of them smiling with the Disney characters. 

Love and loss.  It's not fun.  But the hurt is the price your pay for loving completely and unconditionally and that is one thing that even such a great loss won't take from me. 

On this Father's Day I have 2 special men, who I love with my whole heart, to wish a very happy Day. 

From them I know what love, strength, compassion, care and wisdom looks like. Jason has an abundance of wisdom, as evidenced by his gray beard. 

Tomorrow won't be the celebration I expected to have this year, and I don't have the gift I wanted more than anything  to give my husband, but tomorrow, like every other day, I will be thankful for what we do have. 3 beautiful kids, a loving relationship and a very full life. 

Happy Fahter's Day, my dude. I love you! And so do K, A and L. Enjoy this day, you deserve it! 

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