Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Shame on me, I had another good day

If perception is reality (which I hate btw) let me clear up a few things. 

I'm grieving. Somedays I'm able to grieve quietly and outside of my house, others times I grieve out loud stuck in my bed. If you understand this, you get it. If you've never been thru a loss like this, you probably don't, count yourself blessed.  Many days I've gone to the store, the dr, or anywhere else wearing sunglasses because I didn't sleep the night before and my eyes are swollen shut from crying.  That doesn't suck at all.  

You will be judged regardless so grieve the way that helps you to heal. For some, they won't understand if you can get out of bed and have a good day, why you are still incapable of functioning at a level you could before, but that goes back to the whole, they have no idea what you're going thru. 

I had days where I couldn't get out of bed, for days at a time. I still have those days but thank God I'm further than I was. I am still sometimes paralyzed by grief, and more often than not, anxiety, but thru grace and mercy and prayers, I'm able to stand.  

Anyone who knows someone who has faced a baby loss says its the hardest thing anyone can face. Times that by 2 and then talk to me about how YOU think I should be acting. I'd love to hear your opinion.  Because I'm sure you know more than my psychiatrist who I see monthly and my grief counselor who I see weekly. 

I used to be very independent. I wasn't scared of anything. This has changed that.  I can't do much of anything alone and I hate it.  With Jason, my parents and kids I am able to live my life. They understand my breakdowns and they don't require any conversation about why I'm having an anxiety attack.  It feels very good to be able to go to dinner with them, go to the beach or just be together. When I have Jason beside me, for the most part, I'm able to push myself to do things. Sometimes it works, other times it blows up in my face and I have a total meltdown.  I think of scenarios or times I would have to do something or go somewhere without him, or face strangers and I have a total breakdown. 

Glimpse into why my attachment to my parents and Jason is so strong and the fear of losing them so real. They are my lifelines. I can do things when I'm with them. I can be ok or I can be a wreck, with them, they understand. 

I can't control my temper. I can't control my emotions. I've lost pretty much all coping skills. I have tried to take the advice of my therapist and do more outside of my circle. After talking about if for a month with her, I was finally able to go to the gym. Kicking and screaming and crying and only because Jason was beside me the whole time but I did it. 

I'm not going to apologize or try to hide my good days. I wear them like a badge of honor. Because God knows, I've earned them through blood, sweat and tears.  I may not be able to take an art class or go to the gym by myself yet, as my therapist wants me to do, but I'm able to enjoy my family, blog out my feelings and cry out my emotions and all of that is leading me further down this crappy road of loss. 

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