Sunday, December 21, 2014

Broken heart, damaged and broken

Last year I was doing a pretty good job of playing at life.  I was involved in enough activities that I stayed busy, I got out of the house.  That was success for me.

My life now is total, pure, complete chaos.  I'm working my tail off at a job I love more everyday, with a group of people who encourage, support, laugh and help each other.  They praise you for a job well done and they appreciate you.  

I didn't go back to work until I knew I could not just handle a job but succeed at it. And not just succeed at the good days but be able to work through stress and crazy deadlines and grand openings and not just do it but do it so flippin excitedly that I can't stand it.

Seriously loving where God sent me. 

I could have gone back sooner.  I could have cried on anyone with a baby.  That'd have been special for everyone.  I could have gone back and called in sick every time I had anxiety about leaving the house.  Bosses tend to overlook that, don't they? 

Why did I wait to go back until I was ready?  Because I wanted to get myself back. I wanted to recognize the person in the mirror again.  I prayed about it, because I trusted that better was there when I was able to give the best I had.  And I'm here to shout, my better is better than it's ever been.  I'm confident in my abilities, I'm excited to learn more, and that I am trusted with opening a new community that I have ALL TO MYSELF, makes me giddy.  Slightly.  REALLY GIDDY! 

I'm at a crossroads in life.  There are always things that are hard.  There are always people who will hurt you.  There will always be an army of faithful, loving, kind, Christian, friends and family who will take time out of their day, their stress, their lives, to stop and pray for someone they care for.  That is so powerful!  

Life is changing.  I have become a healthier, stronger, more caring, more open, more me, me, than I've ever been in my life.  Where has this road of loss brought me to?  God brought me to a new place. A BIG place. I was able to share the boy's story and what their life meant to me, in a book.  Like a book you can buy from a store.  You hear what I'm saying?  The book I contributed to is on Amazon.  It's on Barnes and Noble.  

That's legit. And cool. And I'm proud!  

I would have preferred to write about shoes but the story that has been on my heart is made available to help others feel less alone, to give them hope.  My desire in being transparent in my loss and my grief was that no one should ever have to feel alone when they are mothers and father's like me, who are wanting and willing to help find some good out of heartache. 

SO there's that.  And it's not about shoes but look at the front cover!  Any guesses which feet are mine??

Life is hard.  It hardly ever goes according to plan.  You have options.  Be miserable and sad and lonely and mean because you got the crap end of whatever stick you were holding, or be thankful, thoughtful, joyful and hopeful that life maybe didn't hand you what you wanted, yet, but you still have much to celebrate. 

I'm celebrating.  I'm not broken.  I'm still hurting sometimes but I'm ok.  I'm not sad.  Some days things bring me down but I'm filled with joy and it kind of negates the sadness.  I have people who hurt me.  I pray for them. I have people who love me.  I pray extra for them.  haha, just kidding.  Kind of. 

My life is full.  It's so full.  It's about to take off into a crazy few months of work and change and newness and I'm ok with newness.  God's directing me, I'm not going anywhere that He hasn't given me the nudging to go and I am excited to see what God will trust me with.  I pray I'm obedient in what He asks of me, that I'm humble in what I'm blessed with and that I'm ready to see what this next chapter of the crazy has in store!!

Broken hearted, damaged and broken....I'm glad that I have to look *back* to see how far I've come and to look into the mirror, and my future, and see joy, confidence and peace smiling back at me. 

God's up to something.  I love when God is up to something!

Blessed because I have a life meant to live and I'm making every moment count.  DO the same friends, it makes for a happier heart! 

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