Sunday, December 21, 2014

Falling up stairs and one hot mess

I'm not sure what it is about me that makes me such a hot mess.

Could be that I'm running in a 1000 different directions, with 1000 different projects going on and 1000 different thoughts running through my head all the time.

Or could be that I'm just one of those people who has stupid things happen to them.  All.  The.  Time.

I get home from working a long day, on a high because I'm feeling so accomplished and excited and full of confidence and then I fall up the stairs.  But not just like a dainty trip, I face plant.  And I scatter 2 laptops, a purse, a bag full of binders and an armload full of papers.

So I do what I do best, I laugh and then cry and then laugh again.

My emotions are brimming, always so close to the surface that it's hard to know when they are going to spill over.  UK winning so many exciting games, singing My Old KY Home with friends and family, I'm crying.  Seeing an old man at the store buying a bottle of wine and a single serving of frozen dinner, I'm crying and wanting to invite him to dinner so that he doesn't have to eat alone.

I have a big heart.  That's not being said in a braggadocios way, it's just a fact.  I also wear that big ole heart on my sleeve so you don't often have to guess where you stand with me or what I'm feeling.  I would never survive in a poker game.

I have stupid things happen, probably not more often than other people, I just tell on myself more.  I don't hurt more than the next person, I just don't try to hide it.  I don't have anymore problems than the crazy neighbor next door but I don't run from them.  I'm pretty much an open book.

And some appreciate that about me.  Others can't stand it about me.  The ones who appreciate it are typically the ones who are happy, settled and have the emotional capabilities of seeing and loving others thru the good, praying them thru the hurt and celebrating the victories.  The others.  Well blah.  They are typically the ones calling me selfish, spoiled, victim, crazy, too much of this, not enough of that all rolled up into someone that makes them uncomfortable.

I've spent a lot of time trying to digest what I've been facing here lately.  Listening to the voices that speak good, the ones that speak not good.  The things that happen that I have worked for, the blessings that have come my way that I don't deserve.  I've spent time in prayer seeking answers and I've asked others, who I know, trust and believe that they seek God for wisdom, to talk me through some crap.  And they have.

So here is what I've decided.

1.  If my life makes you uncomfortable, it's not really my problem. If you don't like that I'm outgoing, stubborn, open and honest, then you have 2 options.  Don't be part of my life or stop looking into my life from the outside.  I don't need toxic people surrounding me.

2.  I'm not everyone's cup of tea.  And I'm ok with that.  If you want to see the good in me, cool.  If you don't, then leave me be.  I don't expect everyone to be my cheerleader but I also don't need, deserve or want the advice of those whose lives are less than ideal suggesting I need to live a different way.  I'm quite happy with how I'm living.

3.  If you have a problem with the way I've lived my life this past year, get over it.  It was my life to live, I figured it out, I got through it and I'm happier and more content and confident in who I am than I've been in a long time.

4.  If you need a punching bag to get out all the aggression, bitterness and resentment out of you so that you can stop being so miserable, visit a gym.  I'm no longer available for your rants.

5. Stop judging others.  Just stop.  For the love!  Stop judging people.  If you havent walked in my shoes, if you haven't faced what I'm facing, if you haven't opened your life up to be used in a way you've never been used and had more peace than you've ever known, it's ok. Everyone is facing something, it'd be easier if we could work thru it without the judgement of others. I'm not judging you or asking you to live my life.  Im not even asking you to help me thru it or appreciate where I've gotten. I'm asking that you leave me alone to live mine.  If you feel guilty because you recognize something in this, then examine yourself.  If you don't, then it's probably not about you.

6.  I need, want and love the people I have in my life!  The ones I can lean on who encourage, love and lift me up.  Who I can ask to pray for something heavy and I know they pray. I can share something great that has happened and they jump up and down with me.  I can give a praise report and get good tidings back.  Because I'm dealing with people who are real, loving and giving.  Who aren't scared by my openness, aren't infuriated with my candidness and aren't annoyed that I share my heart.

I have been given so much in this life.  I have lost a lot too but that no longer consumes me.  Because I'm letting God fill the holes.  Somedays are easier than others but I continue to see the good in people, I continue to love even when it hurts and I continue to hope for the best because I know that God is working.

The loss hasn't made me bitter.  The disappointment in others hasn't made me resentful.  The hateful and ugliness that holds other hearts captive have no place near mine.  The people that only want to see the bad in me are welcome to keep looking.  I'm not going anywhere but up.  God has lifted me higher than I ever imagined I'd be.

What do I have right now?

I have a husband I love and pray for everyday, kids who are so special to me, parents who have never let me down even though I know I've let them down, family who supports and encouragages me when it would be easier to give up on a hot mess, friends who are amazing and continue to love this walking disaster and a job I am so thankful for every day!

And so, even in that "Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart, I will run to you, cause I know you are lover of my soul, healer of my scars, you steady my heart."

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know where I'll be, who will be with me or what I'll be doing but I know, swinging from the end of this rope, when I look up, it's God who is holding it and He's not going to let me fall. 

I am blessed.  In so many ways.  When I fall apart, I'm put back together.  When I'm sad I'm comforted and when I'm happy I have so many beautiful people to share that with.  That's a good life right there.

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