Saturday, January 3, 2015

Adventures in Dating at 36- Part I- The cast of losers.

In the hope of protecting the innocently naïve guys who go out with me, the names they will be referenced as, are not in fact, their names.

Part of my New Year's "Bucket List" was to accept a date from any man that asks me out in an effort to not sway myself with my snap judgments of too tall, short, hairy, bald, annoying, blah blah.  "Everyone deserves a chance and you never know who you'll meet" notions quickly fell by the wayside and common sense prevailed.  Not every guy that asks me out will be met with an excited answer of yes. 

Met a guy on the new dating app a few months ago.  Pictures pop up of people around you who are available.  Swipe left if you're not interested, swipe right if you are.  A mutual swiping of rights gets a connection and you can start talking.

There are some interesting people on there.  Saw some guys I knew, including my ex husband which was just a freakin blast.  Do you swipe left out of principle?  Do you swipe right in an effort to extend an olive branch?  What do you do if you swipe right and there's no connection because he swiped left?  What do you do then?  Do what I do, delete your account and the app, drink some wine, put sad music on repeat and have your best friend tell you how stupid he is.  Not the least bit dramatic.

Before that swiping breakdown, I started talking to a few different guys.  Exchanged numbers with some and we started texting each other. 

This is now known as dating purgatory.  Not actual hell yet because you haven't been on a date but close enough that you can already feel the fire and know how much the next step is going to suck.

It's a fun game you get to play of being the right amount of sarcasm meets sweet, loving who you are but balance with a nice dose of self depreciating humor to keep you humble, witty but charming, driven but casual, competitive but not too sporty, independent but not too hard nosed about it.  Mostly via text.  Occasional phone call, usually not. It's fun getting to know someone based simply on characters and emojis.  WHY DO GUYS OVER 35 USE EMOJIS???

I've found and discovered that most guys have this weird thing where they think they are so. much. better, more, attractive, funny, successful. than. they. actually. are.  It's weird. 

I spend hours worrying about the right outfit, hair, makeup, shoes and for what?

Because this is what is in the minds, and mouths, of the past few guys I've gone out with lately, and I've taken create reign to supply the dialogue..

"Even though I told her differently, I'm really not over my ex and have no idea how to properly communicate that.  Maybe I'll make her feel really stupid, then get mad when she calls me out on being a jerk and I'll turn it around and make her feel guilty for getting upset with me. If that doesn't work, I'll tell her story after story of the masses of woman who have tried to get me to date them, marry them or blah blah.  Chicks dig that."  No, chicks don't.  Dig that!

"I don't want her to realize that I have serious body issues and am completely uncomfortable in my own skin, so I'll confuse her with stories and conversations about how much money I spend on clothes and how often I work out.  I'll also order a small protein only appetizer and then stare longingly at the chicken on her salad and wait for her to finally take the napkin from her lap and indicate she is finished eating before I absolutely devour what is left.  Then I'll go back to telling her stories of how much I lift and how much cardio I do.  Chicks dig that, right?"  This gal digs a man who is comfortable in his own skin. 

"I 'm almost certain I'm gay but I'm confused and I'm manly and fish and hunt and talk about sports and grunt a lot so maybe I won't have to tell her.   I'll talk to her for weeks, go to dinner and show her an incredible time and make her laugh and feel like $1 million bucks.  Telling her via text that I'm possibly attracted to men is probably the best way to do it, since I just stopped talking to her for weeks because I wasn't sure how to tell her.  Maybe she'll figure out that that is how I know so much about her clothes and shoes and accessories, not from my exwife like I originally told her.  Chicks are open minded now, right?"  This chick is googling "becoming a nun vs owning cats"

"I really can't stand my own kids and want to make sure it's known how much I don't want to have anymore, immediately, hmmm...I know, I'll tell her as soon as we sit down for dinner about my vasectomy and then we can figure out which 5 cheeses to go with dinner.  Chicks appreciate honesty, right?"  Sure do, let me tell you about my labor stories. 

"Weird, I haven't been able to get a response after a 5 minute phone conversation 2 months ago?  She must be playing hard to get, challenge accepted.  I'll text her every. single. day. for the next 2 months and include links to youtube music videos of songs that I really want her to listen to and understand, I wanted to share in person and hope I don't come off creepy.  Girls like attention right?  I'll be super passive aggressive and hope that my commitment to showing her how determined I am to talk to her  will speak well to how committed I would be to the relationship.  And not creepy.  Just really intrigued.   Really.  A lot of woman want me."  BLOCKED

36, dating again.  *shakes hands to the heavens and screams...* "WWWWHHHHYYYYYYY MMMEEEEEEEEEEE???????????"

Valid points for dating. 

  • Don't settle.
  • Don't stress.
  • Everyone is crazy, it's not a competition.
  • Most everyone is carrying or dragging, emotional baggage, find one with some that compliments yours.
  • Don't be the sane one on the relationship. You know your level of crazy and how to manage it, no one wants to take on someone else's as well.  
  • If there is "baby mama drama" mentioned in the first 10 mins, run.
  • If they have an unhealthy need to gain their mother's approval, run fast. 
  • If they mention rehab more than a few times, consider running in a non judgy way.  
  • If they joke they are an alcoholic but they drink copious amounts of alcohol everyday, maybe just trade in high heels for running shoes. 

2015 won't be boring.  Can almost guarantee that. 

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