Yesterday I was having a "what am I doing with my life" moment. Haven't had one of those for awhile, surprising considering how neurotic I am, I know. I want a change, I don't know what exactly, but I was annoyed that I didn't know how to change my life. I sat and thought of a million things I want and completely unsure of the first step to take.
Then my phone rang. And guess what. World turned completely upside down. Effective immediately, complete and total change.
I hate change.
Seriously. I hate change.
I wanted change. Was mad I didn't know where to start to intiate change and bam, change.
Be careful what you wish for and blah blah blah.
So I've spent the past 24 hours thinking about this change, analyzing every angle of this change and going between 100 emotions and feelings about it.
Life changes, you'd think, me of all people, would have understood that by now...
Shocking I'm sure but sometimes I'm not so quick.
Yesterday, unsure of what I'm feeling and just obviously looking for a reason to hate life, I watched the "Fault in Our Stars." Brilliant for someone who is on the edge, constantly, of losing her mind. Sad, romantic movie about young adults who fall in love when they both are dying of cancer.
Yea, I know.
The young heroine of the movie says at one point that this isn't the life she wanted.
I don't want this life I've got either. Funny thing is, doesn't matter. So much you can't control, so much is handed or taken from you without your consent.
I've had more change, more new beginnings, more endings, more goodbyes, more loss than a normal 36 year old should have. Blah blah, story is old by this point, I know. I'm not normal so I'm unsure why I'm surprised by this.
So, I go from bawling my eyes out watching this stupidly sad movie to listening to music that makes me equally emotional on a whole other level.
"When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don't if you'll ever find the healing"