Friday, January 9, 2015

Sad songs and movies about cancer

Yesterday I was having a "what am I doing with my life" moment.  Haven't had one of those for awhile, surprising considering how neurotic I am, I know.  I want a change, I don't know what exactly, but I was annoyed that I didn't know how to change my life.  I sat and thought of a million things I want and completely unsure of the first step to take. 

Then my phone rang.  And guess what.  World turned completely upside down.  Effective immediately, complete and total change. 

I hate change. 


Seriously. I hate change. 

I wanted change.  Was mad I didn't know where to start to intiate change and bam, change. 

Be careful what you wish for and blah blah blah.  

So I've spent the past 24 hours thinking about this change, analyzing every angle of this change and going between 100 emotions and feelings about it.  

Life changes, you'd think, me of all people, would have understood that by now...

Shocking I'm sure but sometimes I'm not so quick. 

Yesterday, unsure of what I'm feeling and just obviously looking for a reason to hate life, I watched the "Fault in Our Stars."  Brilliant for someone who is on the edge, constantly, of losing her mind. Sad, romantic movie about young adults who fall in love when they both are dying of cancer.  

Yea, I know. 

The young heroine of the movie says at one point that this isn't the life she wanted. 

I don't want this life I've got either.  Funny thing is, doesn't matter.  So much you can't control, so much is handed or taken from you without your consent. 

I've had more change, more new beginnings, more endings, more goodbyes, more loss than a normal 36 year old should have.  Blah blah, story is old by this point, I know.  I'm not normal so I'm unsure why I'm surprised by this.  

So, I go from bawling my eyes out watching this stupidly sad movie to listening to music that makes me equally emotional on a whole other level.  

"When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don't if you'll ever find the healing"

I was thinking a few days ago of everything I want. So many things I desire and have a passion for an absolutely no idea how I'm ever going to get there. 

No idea. Seriously, lost and felt like I should just give up at life. 

I know, I know. Don't give up, life is what you make of it, there's no rainbow without the rain. 


"You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising" 

Valid. Sun rises. Every new day is a fresh start, new beginning, fill in the blank with your favorite inspirational Pinterest quote. 

"Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid I am with you 
In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you're walking"

I don't know that I'm afraid. 

Haha, kidding, I'm terrified. Of being alone for the rest of my life when I want so badly to share this crazy with someone else.  Of never having kids I can screw up and love. Of never being all the my mind screams at me that I am. 

"You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
The night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on"

There's a promise. There are a million promises. I know them. I read them. When I don't want to remember them, I have people in my life that remind me. I had a friend tell me yesterday, "this isn't a surprise for God, He has plans to prosper you."  My mom tells me, "What He opens no one can shut." Does that include my mouth?  Because I have been very vocal lately of how tired and exhausted I am with the treadmill of life I find myself on because I KNOW that I've held on and every so often I get thrown off the back just like it does more often than not when I'm on an actual treadmill. 

"And even when you can't imagine how
You're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds"

So picture this, I've given up on life, I'm wallowing in the midst of my blahness and a friend texts me. 

They asked me for prayer about something. 

You know how sometimes you're just having a moment and thinking about how much your life sucks and then reality smacks you in the face?  Like a very special friend asking you to pray about something? 


If I were hopeless, if I were a complete and total mess, if this dear friend didn't trust the very heart of who I am, they wouldn't have trusted me to pray for them. That's a very special thing. But the reason they brought this specific need to me was, because of everything I had been thru, they knew that I would know how best to pray. 

Whoa.  Let me say it again. Because of everything I had been through, they knew I would know how best to pray. 

And I did. Immediately my heart was flooded for prayers and hopes and promises for this beautiful person as the tears streamed down my face for a different reason entirely than why I'd been such a wreck for the past few days. (Months?) 

"The sun is rising

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising" 

Light. Bulb. Moment. 

Sometimes it's not about my life making sense where I'm at right now. Sometimes it's about remembering that life is about a whole lot more than the one moment I'm stuck in. 

My life, your life, is about the moments you trust when you're tired, you believe when you're exhausted and you hope when you're lost. 

And sometimes, if you're incredibly blessed, you'll have someone trust you enough to pray and you'll know exactly the words to say. 

So, there's that..

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