Excuse me?

Where to start, what to say.  Not sure to either.  I don't want this to be a sad blog. 

Sat we got the news we've been trying for.  I was ready for insem.  YAY!  Not sure who was more excited, me or Jason.  We had a 3 hour wait, there were 13 couples in the waiting room.  It's a weird group we're part of.  Recognizing couples that you've seen at other appointments, wondering where they are at in their treatment, wondering their story.  No one really makes eye contact.  You get good news but you can't show it because the girl that was sitting beside you earlier is now coming out of an exam room crying and her husband is trying not to.  I digress.

Sat was a good day.  We got good news.  I was to take my trigger shot that night and come back on Monday for the procedure.  I knew it.  I had a dream the night before that I got inseminated.  Which is strange considering I didnt even really know what it entailed.  Woke up Saturday feeling good.  Sit for 3 hours trying to remain upbeat.  That's kind of a lie.  I was trying not to kill the husband in the waiting room that had the phone beeping every 3 seconds from the game he was playing.  I'm rambling.

We go back Sat to the room finally and I'm covered with a napkin again and Jason is playing around with the machines.  He feels quite confident he knows how to do a scan.  According to him it goes a little like this.."You insert the thing and say ok a little pressure then you move it to the right, wait for you to make a mean face and hit freeze then measure.  Then you move to the other side, say ok a little more pressure, wait until your eyebrow raises and your face gets more mean then hit freeze and measure."  He's pretty accurate.  Dr B comes in, does all the above and I can't see the screen but I can see Jason's face and realize from his smile that the drugs have done what they should have and we were set to move forward!  What a relief.  I told some people if we had such a positive reaction to that good news I can't even imagine when we find out we're pregnant.

Today I am ovulating full force from the shot.  Nice that my body is letting me know I'm ready to get pregnant.  I was supposed to be inseminated a few hours ago.  Didn't happen.

Jason, poor guy, had to go in by himself this morning to do his part of the fun. I had a sales meeting so I couldnt go. I about lost it when I checked my texts during the meeting and see this from him. "I just downloaded some soft jazz to play on my phone, have triple the cologne on, and a picture of you in my pocket.  I'M READY!"  I busted out laughing.  I love that man.  Then 30 mins later I get a text to the effect of "I'm finished.  It was awful.  I could hear people walking outside of the room.  Then I walked back into the office and everyone looks thinking it's a nurse and they see me. Can you say uncomfortable?" Oh bless his heart.

We go back into the room, the nurse tells me what to expect during the insem and after and yada yada yada so excited I can't stand it because I know this is finally it.  I put an appt in my calander for May 15 because that's the first day I can do a pregnancy test without getting a false positive from the hcg shot I took.

Then Dr B walks in and looks kind of weird and says "There's no sperm."  Doesn't make sense to me because I know they put an orange dot on Jason's vial and we had an orange dot on my file and I know he was there an hour before me.  I looked at Jason and could see from the look on his face that he processed the information faster than me.  His reversal didn't work.  Or didn't take.  Or his body rejected it and it sealed back.  We have no sperm.  After months of hormone shots and pills and scan after scan after scan after scan, I was ready but the other crucial part wasn't there.

Devasted, shocked, heartbroken.  I really don't want this to be a sad blog.  Or a woe is me.  Because I feel anything but that.  But this is real and honest and big.  It's not easy.  In fact, probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  Watching the pain and hurt and confusion and sadness and fear on my best friend's face, knowing it's mirroring exactly what I feel, is probably one of the worst things I've ever seen and felt.

Jason is struggling with his own emotions.  He feels guilt which I understand but isn't logical.  Logic goes down the toilet when your heart is so hurt though.  He went through the pain and expense of the reversal for us to have a baby.  He goes to every single appoitnment with me.  He gives me my shots.  He holds me when I'm overwhelmed and can't tell him why I can't stop crying.  He asks questions that I can't remember we were supposed to ask.  He listens to the nurse and dr when I'm zoning out thinking about a million other things.  He has absolutely no reason to feel anything other than proud of what an amazing husband he is.  I know that's how I feel!

We sat in Dr B's office and he's going on about the why of no sperm and he's so sorry and I was on the edge of panic.  All I'm hearing is you have no sperm so I'm hearing you can't get pregnant.  Luckily there was a female PA in there as well and she recognized the look of desperation on my face and she said "But there's options.."

So.  Now we are looking at a membership into the IVF club.  Not at all what we were expecting but we will go to the 2 hour class/consult on Fri and see what our options are.  We had our tears, will have more I'm quite certain, but we will move forward and pray about this and see what direction God takes us. 

IVF is way super expensive.  Our insurance covers nothing so we're looking at a big chunck of money we don't have going towards something we so desperately want.  I laid in bed with Jason beside me and I'm crying and wondering what now.  Where do we go?  We can't afford this.  What will all the shots do to my body?  How will we get through this?  I don't know is the answer to all of this.  But it's no surprise to God and I am more than confident that for whatever reason we are headed down this path, we will be triumphant with a baby or 3 at the end of this and we will give God all the glory!

Life takes some crazy turns.  I seem to always take the hardest road to get where I'm going but I can't ever complain about that because what waits for me at the end is more than worth the pain and frutration of the journey.  I know we are one couple of so many, too many, that go through this for much longer than we have.  My prayer for each of those couple's is that they have the love and care of friends and family to pray for and encourage them as we do. 

I'm blessed because my best friend is right beside me loving me, hugging me, crying with me through this.  And one day I know this will make for a great story we will tell our kids!  Til then, we trust!