Sunday, April 8, 2012

Easter, babies and the beach

Spent the past 4 days camping at the beach. Oh it was so nice. A 2 min walk to the beach, a 10 minute bike ride to the frozen yogurt place, charcoal grilled dinners, nights spent playing cards with the parents and husband, and days spent in awe of how much I have been blessed with.

So did you know you can break into a camper if you lock yourself out? You can. We were unloading the camper Thurs and I somehow locked the door. Oops. Luckily we had the side compartment open as we were getting stuff out. I look at Jason and was like, looks like you're gonna have to figure this one out. He did. He shoved me head first into the compartment on my back and I had to lift the hydraulic mattress cover floor thing to open it by pushing it up with my legs, while laying on my back, in a small compartment...did I mention that? And then crawl through the space. Thanks years of cheerleading and gymnastics for the leg muscles that enabled that feat. I mean maybe it was over 20 years ago but regardless, it worked and we got in!

We went to a sunrise service this morning on the beach. I've never seen a sunrise. It was amazing. And to be singing of God's grace and mercy and love as we were watching the sun rise over the ocean was overwhelming. The pastor kept saying, You may want to give up on God but He won't give up on you. That resounded with me. Christ knew what was going on that Good Friday. He knew that he would be crucified for a sin he didn't commit. To give eternal life to who? Me? You? Totally undeserving and yet He did it. Nailed to a cross, through the agony of death, suffocating to death, pulling himself up to catch a breath. I can't imagine anything worse. He did that for me. He did that for you. My sacrifices don't seem so great...

This week we will start another round of fertility treatments. Another round of hormones that make me crazy and make Jason hide in the corner. Kidding. That man is the most supportive, kind, loving man I have ever known. Aside from my Daddy of course. Today I saw babies and pregnant mothers and father's playing with their kids while we were sitting on the beach. I want that so badly. I have always wanted to be a mother. To have my own kids. But to be blessed to have a baby with such a special man. The treatments, the hormones, the growing expenses, the rollercoaster of emotions that turn me into a crazy lady, the ups and downs...I can't imagine not doing everything we can knowing the end result is a baby of our own that I get to love with all my heart, who we get to raise in God's word, who we get to influence, who we get to spoil with attention and kisses and hugs and who I never have to let go of.

Sitting on the beach I got kind of emotional. Lots of stuff on my heart. I miss J like crazy. His birthday was last week and I can't believe how old he is now. It was hard not having the kids on Easter. I miss my nephews and my Nana and my heart is broken for some things I won't get into now but my heart was heavy. Then I thought...Christ went through the pain, the agony, the cursing, the people laughing at him, spitting at him not because he had to. He went through Friday because he knew that Sunday was coming. He knew that the pain was temporary and the reward would be bigger and mean more than anyone could understand or imagine. His sacrifice brought eternal life.

My sacrifice is small. I will take the people who laugh at me, who judge me, I will take the lost friends that don't understand my new life, I will take the disappointment of people I love being hurt, I will take the rollercoaster of emotions that these treatments bring, I will hold my husbands hand as we continue down the path that God has lead us on. Because it's paved with far more than we ever imagined or what we possibly could deserve.

We are at Friday. Again. But our Sunday is coming.

Blessed because I have a Savior who lives and whose love for me is far greater than anything I can understand and covers whatever I'm going through. I pray you have the same!

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