Funny story. J was about 3 and we were saying our nightly prayers and we finished and he asked me where Jesus lives. I said, in your heart. He said, nope, Tanzania. Strangely funny kid.
Had a dr's appt today. Last night I felt good. Stayed busy. Worked out with Jason then went for a 2 mile walk and did a good job convincing myself I wasn't thinking about it. Because everyone tells you to just relax and don't think about getting pregnant and then you miraculously get pregnant. Might be easier to do if I wasn't taking pills, and shots, and going to the dr 3 times a week, but whatever, good advice. So last night I lay down and I'm still fine, then the lights turn out and I start crying. And can't stop. Jason's asking me why I'm crying and I can't tell him because I don't really know. Maybe it's guilt because I'm not supposed to be worrying because you can only get pregnant when you aren't thinking about it apparently. Maybe guilt because my prayers were for the pills to have worked not for God's will to be done. Confusion because I trust God so why can't I stop crying? I'm telling you, this is one of the weirdest things I've ever been through.
There are 16 year olds getting pregnant on accident and I can't even get to the part yet where I can almost try to get pregnant. Last month we were advised to not go anywhere near each other for 3 weeks. That makes getting pregnant hard. I mean, no, we don't want 8 or 9 babies at once, but cmon already. It was funny because the dr is telling us last month that we had to stop the process and gives me progesterone shots to reverse everything we had done. But advised that I was so super fertile to be careful. Very careful. Don't do anything, careful. The he walks out of the room and I tell Jason, lets just go home and try it on our own. Then the dr comes back in and says, dont go home and do anything stupid. So I know why the scans are so expensive. They pay to have the rooms bugged.
The appt today was much of the same as last month. Pills didnt do the job, I start back on shots and then another scan on Sat. (cha-ching) Oh, and more blood work too. (cha-ching, cha-ching) Frustrated and a little bit let down but no tears. Well, not at the dr's office. Small success. We go home so Jason can give me my shot (love him.) It has to be in my belly so I get the alcohol swab and wipe a good size area so it's clean. A lot of good that did as he gave me the shot 6" below where I swabbed. Thanks honey! Good for making me laugh at least.
So Sunday night I go to a concert at church with Jason and my parents. It was a good concert. Having a good time. Then someone from Compassion International asks everyone to consider supporting a child for $38 a month. Kids from all over the world need help. So I prayed about it and talked to Jason. We are spending over $1000 a month trying to have our own baby, how could we not spend $38 to help take care of someone else's? Felt lead to do it so we raise our hand and get an envelope of our little boy. I look at the picture and see he is wearing a soccer shirt. He is from Tanzania. I saw that and my heart started pounding and I couldn't say anything and just started bawling. Mom looked at me and I just showed her the envelope and she saw Tanzania and immediately knew what I couldn't speak. I panicked a little. Then I had a peace come over me. Then just sat in awe.
J has been so on my heart lately. He plays soccer. He is in 3rd grade. I don't know much other than that. But God, once again, met me where I am and showed me through a little soccer loving boy from Tanzania that God hasn't forgotten me, or J. I went to the table after the concert and looked at all the envelopes and not one other kid there from Tanzania. God used that little guy to speak directly to my heart. But I had to ask God for direction and then make the move of putting my hand up to receive it.
I'm blessed because even in the midst of some chaos, God still finds me important enough to remind me of his grace and mercy.
Sunday is coming!
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