Wednesday, April 11, 2012

3 things, my husband and jelly beans

The diet isnt going great. Hard to lose weight when you want to eat anything that isn't nailed down. And will consider eating things you normally hate. Out. Of. Control. Freakin hormones. Last night I ate an entire bag of jelly beans. Didn't even like them. And cried as I was eating them. I'm a hot mess. I know this.

Someone has asked me why I write my blog with the 3 things in the title. I never knew. It was just something I've done. Lately I've been praying for God to speak to me. Asking Him direct questions and believing I will have answers but wondering how they will come. Yesterday I was trying to figure out how much to give to a charity and I prayed about it and was going to give a certain amount and then when I went to do the amount a random figure popped out that I hadn't considered and I gave that amount. Not sure why but God told me what to give. I've been asking some big questions of God lately as well as some small ones. Randoms. Sitting at my desk and out of nowhere I hear " You and J used to lay in bed in the morning and tell each other stories. You'd say, I can tell you about whales, surfing or seals. Or he'd say, I can tell you about roller coasters, dogs or ice cream." And we would go on for an hour back and forth. Every day. I had forgotten that. God told me I may have not remembered but J does. Why do the seemingly small things that shouldnt matter, matter to Him? Why am I important enough to warrant a small whisper from God at the end of a day to a question that shouldnt still be important to me but clearly in my heart is?

I've been more worried about this round of treatment then I've really let on I guess. It's hard knowing you're going to be pumped full of meds that will make you more crazy than you already are. And the not wanting to get hopes up but trusting and praying and believing and all. This really isnt a woe is me blog, stick with me. 2 nights ago I had a dream that Jason and I got a positive pregnancy test. We were ecstatic. The smiles and hugs and pure joy we felt was so real. So I woke up and ran into the bathroom and took a test and it was negative. Sigh. BUT I believe God placed that dream in my heart. He would't do that if I don't have a positive coming. He's not a God of games. He's a God of love and mercy. My Sunday's coming...

My husband is simply the best there is. He became a single dad for reasons we dont need to get into and it broke his heart to be away from his kids everyday lives. I've been in his life for almost 2 years and it constantly amazes me how kind and loving and selfless he is. He loves his kids so much. He supports them financially, emotionally, and physically. He calls them every day. Every day! I remember 1 time in 2 years he missed calling them because we were somewhere late and he was really upset about it. He drives all over the place to be at their events. I remember when we were dating and he drove 2 hours to Savannah to watch a 2 hours dance competition then he drove back. Because he wanted to see his girls dance. He is at tball. He's at dances. He's at awards shows. He's at the school taking the kids lunch. He is the fun dad. He's the cool dad. But he's not afraid to be the tough dad either. He doesn't shy away from the tough talks. The ones that aren't so fun. I so appreciate that about him. He's the involved dad. When life gets hard and times get tough, he doesn't waver. He has sacrificed so much to be able to provide for his kids and he will continue to do so. Not for any other reason than he loves them. He's a good man. He's a great Daddy. He would walk through fire to protect his kids. When the going gets tough, when it's hard, when things aren't easy, he keeps on loving. He keeps on trying.

I've been married to 2 men. Both who were fathers. Both who had ex wives. Well one had more than the other, but I digress. I've gotten to see the difference in how they treat their families, their children, their ex wives. I had a miscarriage with my first husband. We don't always get such a clear view of why things happen. Had I had a child with him, I may not have been open to having a child with Jason and going through the somewhat seemingly extreme measures we've gone thru with the surgeries, the shots and all. I know what kind of father he was. It would have been a hard life. But I know with complete certainty that Jason was placed in my life from God and I know we will bring a child together as a result of our love and dedication to each other. And that hot, sexy, funny man is going to be my baby daddy!

Why am I going through all the crying, cravings, weight gains, mood swings and costs? Because at the end of this I will be able to give that special, special man another child who will grow up being able to call such a wonderful person Daddy.

I couldn't be more blessed!

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