Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm Melissa and I am infertile

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What an emotional few days.  I have cried more tears this week than I have in a long time.  It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs.  It's run the gamut this week of pretty much anything and everything that life has to offer, good, bad and ugly, being thrown at us.  We handled it like champs.  Haha, right.

Today I took a day to myself.  Massage, beach, shopping.  It was healing.  I prayed a lot.  I thought a lot of everything.  Then I nearly died.  No joke.  I went to the beach and it was freakin hot.  I went to cool off in the ocean and was nearly swept to sea.  Not exaggerating.  Debbie's affects are still being felt here.  The first wave knocked me down (in water up to my shins) then the undertow pulled me down.  That happend like 5 times. I couldn't stand up to save my life.  Literally.  When I finally did stand up my bathing suit bottoms were down, my bathing suit top was up, I looked like I got into a cat fight with 100 caged animals from all the seashells on the ocean floor.  So I look up and since I was only 5' out into the water everyone had a front row to the disaster that was just me, I did what any trainwreck would do.  I curtsied. 

A friend invited me to a fertility group tonight.  I so appreciate that she thought of me.  I've been praying for someone who knows what I'm going through.  I got about 20 someone's who know exactly what I'm going through all in one room, together, sharing through stories, tears and prayer. 

One lady said tonight that she read that God shows you things through tear filled eyes that you can't always see through clear vision.  If that is true, I should have 20/20 vision right now.  As much as I wanted to find a group like I went to tonight, it was an internal battle to go.  Admitting is the first step, right?  Going to a group of woman who had such personal stories of such huge proportions was humbling.  I'm glad I didn't flee like I wanted to when I was sitting in my car for 20 minutes trying to will myself to go inside.

Today I went and got a 2 hour massage.  I've been getting regular massages for 12 years.  I like deep tissue massages to get the kinks out. I always feel like I got hit by a mack truck when I leave, I have some serious kinks.  I thought the mark of a good massage releasing the toxins had to be painful.  I was wrong.  I've had hundreds of massages over the years that hurt me and offered a little relief.  Today my masseur gave me a 2 hour massage that hit all the right spots, never once hurt, was relaxing at the same time as healing and I left feeling better than I have ever felt after a deep tissue massage.

There's a lesson there.

Sometimes things that help us have to hurt.  Sometimes the things we want most, need most, bring pain through the process.  I learned today that's not always the case.  I learned tonight a bigger lesson.

Jason and I have been through it lately.  We have been through ups and downs of so much.  This is where the healing begins.  Everything that makes us feel better, everything we want to have so desperately sometimes hurts.  But it doesn't have to.  I am supposed to start IVF in August and being completely honest, I've been terrified.  I'm scared of what the hormones are going to do to me.  Physicall, emotionally.  I'm scared that we are going to pay all this money and won't get the baby we want so wholly.  I'm scared that I'm going to lose myself in trying to create this baby. 

God doesn't want to hurt me through this process.  Satan wants to hurt me through this process.  As evidenced by the grenades he's been tossing us.  One lady tonight said when thoughts come into our minds, we need to figure out first who they are from.  They are either from God or from Satan.

I don't deserve a baby.  Satan.
This is too much money to spend when it could fail.  Satan
Why keep trying when all it brings it hurt and pain?  Satan
Melissa is a liar.  Satan
Melissa doesn't deserve the life she has been given.  Satan

For I know the plans I have for you..God
You will mount up with wings as eagles...God
You will never be alone...God

I think because things have been so hard lately I've just come to expect heartache.  That's 100% Satan.

I have a husband who is so completely supportive of me.  He is my defender.  He won't let one person utter 1 untruth about me.  He protects me from hurt.  He takes on pain to ease it from me.  I can say, sure as I'm sitting here, if he could switch places with me and go through the shots and emotions and fear that I'm facing, he would in a second.  God blessed me with the most amazing gift I've ever been given.  Thomas Jason Neu.  Warmly known as, Swift.  I so love that man.  Fertilty, life struggles, people trying to tear us apart.  It's all real.  What's more real is what we have and things that Satan uses to drive a wedge God has used over and over and over to use as a bridge to bring us closer than I ever really thought possible.

I don't know what our baby story will be.  I don't know how the next several months will play out.  But I know that as big as this feels, as overwhelming as it is, as everything is right now, it doesn't have to hurt.  I'm getting an internal deep tissue massage. The toxins are being worked out in a very real way.  God is preparing us for more.  So much bigger are God's plan for me and Jason than I can even begin to understand.

I'm blessed because when I most need it, whatever "it" is, God gives it to me in a really big way!  As evidenced by my suntan, my unsore worked out muscles and a heart that knows that whatever I need, God will be the one to provide.  Always! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cat scratches to tend to..xo

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