So my emotions are kind of all over the place. Shocking to all who know me, right? For whatever reason I wasn't super emotional during the shooting up with tons of hormones portion of the IVF fun. I was very emotional when I was going through this a few months back but I wasn't weepy. I was down right mean but I don't put that in the emotional category. Lately I've been kind of weepy. I'm assuming I will be that way for the foreseeable future.
We took the kids to see the Odd Life of Timothy Green. It was a good movie with a great story. It hit me pretty hard for many reasons. I love the kids I have in my life. They are very sweet, they are funny, they are good. I feel blessed to be part of their life. I miss the one little guy who I'm sure is no longer so little that is no longer part of my life. He is forever and always part of my heart and in so many memories but I miss him. All the time. The kids have taken a liking to laying in bed with us and lounging and laughing and just being a family who lays in the parents bed and talks to each other. Doesn't sound like that big of a deal to most parents I'm sure. One of those things you take for granted because you've always done it. We haven't. I don't know if they weren't comfortable, if I wasn't comfortable or if it's just a place we had to get to. I have missed having kids in my bed. Some of my fondest memories of me and J were us laying together in my bed and telling stories to each other. About everything. Nothing fancy, nothing expected, nothing more than just a mom and her boy loving being together. I've missed that. I miss him. So much.
He taught me to love. He taught me what it means to love someone in a such a different, whole, completely unconditional way. He was my best bud. He was the light of my life. He taught me that I was always enough. More than enough. I was his Missy. The mom I am today to those 3 special kids is because I got 4 years with a very special boy who has my heart somewhere in NC. He taught me so much.
I've loved 4 kids as a mom. I've had a hand in raising all of them, of loving them, of trying to be a Christian example, a fun, creative mom who gets to spend some time with them each week or most of the week or not for a few years but loving and praying from a far, I've learned how to love with a mother's heart because those 4 kids have let me love them.
I can't even put into words how much I'm looking forward to loving the babies that will come from me and Jason. Kids that don't have to go away or we only get to see some of the time or kids we only can love from a distance. And we get to share our babies with 3 of the sweetest kids I know. Who are so looking forward to having a baby brother or sister or both or more. They are immune to the ugly that tries to taint their minds and hearts. They are comfortable enough in our love for them that they know we are growing our family to share the love we have. Not to take anything away from what we have with them.
God has been preparing me for this beginning for a very long time. I"ve been a Missy, I've been a Melissa, I know with all that I am that so very soon, with God's blessing, I will be a Momma to some very sweet babies.
Blessed because I am constantly reminded of God's grace, mercy and love. And in the next week I am praying that we will celebrate what I already know in my heart to be true.