Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Anxiety attacks and twins

Made it through today.  My due date.  What a hard, sucky day.  Which doesn't even really make sense to me because with twins, I know I would have had them early.  But its a day I was given in Sept that changed my world because we had what we had prayed so hard for and we knew the date we should be holding our boys.  

I spent the day at the beach.  Thought some solitude would do me well.  I enjoyed the breeze, the sounds of the ocean, the birds, the cries of babies I turned to see and saw twin boys. 

Others around me got to enjoy the sights and sounds as well.  Bawling, snotting, moaning.  

Hot mess. 

Jason and I went to dinner with Mom and Dad, had a nice time talking about nothing and everything.  Its just a situation that sucks and there's no way around it. 

I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up to texts, voicemails, emails and facebook messages from so many people.  I was truly overwhelmed.  I have good, loving, caring, people standing with me in this.  And this isn't a fun place to stand.  I appreciate every form of communication.  Every hug.  Every prayer.  Through God's grace and the love of many, I made it through a day I've been dreading since Dec 24. 

To the surprise of no one, I'm sure, I've been having anxiety attacks.  Full fledged, thinking I'm having a heart attack, attacks.  They don't come while I'm at the boy's tree.  They come 3 hours later when I'm sitting on the couch.  They don't come at the beach, seeing and hearing twin boys, they come on the drive home.  I can't breath, I can't think, I can't do much of anything other than to pray that God takes this overwhelming anxiety from me.  I can't live like this.  I can't live worrying that a headache is a brain tumor.  That a cough is lung cancer.  That a missed phone call is because the person I called was killed in a horrible wreck.  

I know that grief manifests itself in many ways.  My body is exhausted, I'm getting sick, my breast milk dried up on one side but comes back full force in both now.  Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, tears I can't stop, a longing so deep to hold my beautiful babies again.  Seeing those boys today just hurt.  I want to know what they would look like, now. 5 months later.  I want to know what they would be like.  Would they be funny like Jason?  Would they be musical like me?  I want to know what it would feel like to hold them and they hold me back.  

A friend sent me this today.  A few others have sent it over the months but the timing and the words spoke to my broken heart today in a way I didn't even know how to ask for. 

"I thought of you today and closed my eyes and prayed to God.
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
“A Mother has a baby” this we know is true,
“but God, can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?”
“Yes, you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice.
“I give many woman babies, when they leave is not
their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, some
only for the day, and some I send to fill their womb,
but there is no need to stay.” 
“I just don’t understand this God; I want my baby to be here.’
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
“I wish I could show you what your baby
is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile,
with all the other children and say…
“we go to earth to learn our lessons of love, life and fear. 
My mommy loved me so much; I got to come straight here. 
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. 
I learned my lessons quickly, my mommy set me free. 
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 
“Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”
“So you see dear sweet one, your children are ok.
Your baby was born in My home and this is where she will stay.
She will wait for you with Me until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home she will be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a mother?
It’s the feeling in your heart and the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not see you are a mother until their time is done, up here they will realize you are the 
best one!”

I miss my boys.  I miss them.  I miss everything about them.  To some they weren't much because they weren't full term but for me, for Jason, for our families, they were our everything.  Tucker had my nose, my lips.  He was beautiful.  Fletcher was tall and had Jason's nose, he was perfect.  To some they were just babies, gone too soon, to us, they are our babies, who we prayed for.  Who we talked to.  Who we held, who we loved and who we grieve.  Every second of every day. 

This due date didn't bring me what I was expecting.  I can't do anything to change that.  But it did bring me some unexpected gifts and I have to say it again.  Thank you for remembering me.  Thank you for asking about my boys.  Thank you for saying their names to me.  There is nothing more heartbreaking than to have someone not say your boys names.  There is nothing more beautiful to this mom's ears than to hear someone acknowledge my boys, my Tucker and my Fletcher. 

Tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day.  I don't have any huge hurdles to face other than another day without them.  I pray they know how much we love them, still.  How much we miss them, always.  And how proud we are of the lives that have been changed because of 2 very special little boys.  Our sons. 

God, please take my babies to Popsey, to Grandma, to Papaw. I need to know they are being rocked, being sang to, being loved on.  This Momma's arms are empty but my heart is overflowing with love for those special, beautiful, boys that were the best of their Daddy and I.

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