Went camping this weekend with the kiddos, dog and the parents. Always so much fun and relaxing camping out at the beach. Learned a few things while we were away.
1. I can't surf. I can't even try to surf because laying on the board waiting for the right wave makes me super motion sick and I was having flashbacks of puking in the foothills of WV and didn't want a repeat of puking in the ocean so I only gave it a few tries. That's right people, I rode 2 waves! I didn't get all the way up but I tried, I got up to my knees and I faceplanted into the water. But the kids all got up and so proud of our athletic kiddos.
2. Ashlen has a big fear of sharks. Like didn't realize how big until we were out jumping waves, holding hands, laughing and I started singing, "Duh nuh, duh nuh, duh nuh du nuh..." and she took off for shore! She comes by it honest though. There were all these weird things washed on shore that looked like a ship carrying size A breast implants had capsized and they shore line was littered with these round, clear things. The kids were picking them up bc there were no tentacles on them. We were walking out to join Jason in the water, he was a good 15' out from us and Landon says, I thought jellyfish were pink. I said, nah, just in the movies. So he says, well what's that thing. I look down, in the water, and see a pink jellyfish swimming at us. We yelled and started running for shore and I told Jason, "Jellyfish!!" and he screams like a little girl, "WHERE?!?"
3. Adults shouldn't skim board. As evidenced by Jason's skinned knee. Which matches his other skinned knee from where I ran into him with the car door.
4. Things aren't getting easier. I really thought, in the back of my heart I guess, that once Mother's Day and my due date passed, that I would be "ok." I'm not. I'm never going to stop missing our boys. We went to the beach Easter and I had some sad moments but it was just the impending dates and all I thought. I went to the beach last week and there were twin boys there and it upset me. But Sunday, sitting on the beach, feet in the water, watching Jason and the kids surfing, I saw a little toddler boy in the water, playing with his mom and I couldn't stop the tears. It's a feeling of complete emptiness. Of feeling like you're walking through a dark tunnel with no lights and not knowing when you're going to come to the end. It was realizing that we were on family vacation and we were missing 2 members of our family. That we'll never have at the beach. We'll never take those first pics of them sitting in the sand. Of seeing their reaction to the waves. Jason won't have them out on a surfboard. It's a feeling of drowning. And forgetting how to swim.
But then A and K came walking up to me and I couldn't stop the tears. A sat down beside me and asked if I was ok. I told her I was just sad. She said, ok, and sat there with me. The kids were going to leave on Sunday morning but they decided to stay. I'm so glad they decided to stay. I needed them and didn't even know how badly until they were there. I picked myself up, brushed the sand off and went out to join my family in the water. And we had a great time that I will never forget.
There's a big lesson there. Nothing makes this better. Nothing makes this ok. No words can make the hurt go away. Sometimes you just need someone you love to sit beside you and ask if you are ok. When you tell them you're not and they acknowledge that and don't try to make it better, it makes it better.
God has plans for me. For my family. I know He does. But my heart hurts so badly, my body aches to hold my boys, that sometimes I forget that He has better days ahead for us. But I have to remind myself that on the journey to better, I still have a pretty great now.
I'm blessed because I have a beautiful husband, I have 3 special kids and I have 2 baby boys in heaven that will always be my babies. And when I get sad, I have some special people in my life to remind me that that's ok.