Trip to KY was nice. Got to spend some quality time with Nana, I love that lady so much. Showed Jason around my old stomping grounds and we went and put some flowers on Grandma and Popsey's grave. Headed home yesterday and it was pretty much the trip from hell.
Jason's great grandfather, Cowboy Grandpa is from the hollers of WV. Jason went up as a child and wanted to show me around. So we leave KY at 1130 and make our way to Bluefield, WV. He warned me it was winding roads and I told him I'd be ok. I get carsick driving on 95 and I know the roads in KY can be pretty curvy but he was so excited, I told him, let's go for it.
We get off the interstate and see a creek and immediately everything looks familiar to Jason. We drove for about an hour through some winding roads, through small town USA and I was a little queasy but was making it. Then we got to a gas station and I had to throw up. I ask where the restroom was and the man pointed to a closet. I had to move a mop bucket to close the door and I hunker down between a vacuum cleaner and a stroller and I throw up. We get in the car and head out again.
We drove about 30 minutes up the side of a mountain, winding, 2 lane road. I was clenching the oh crap bar and doing deep breathing. We go through the ghetto and we make a 90 degree turn up a mountain. A 1 lane road, and I use the term road loosely, and there is mountain on the left and cliffs on the right. We are going around, and around, and around, and around. We don't see anything except trees and cliffs. We were following GPS down all these side "roads" and we get to the top of the mountain and it starts raining and there goes our signal. No service. No houses, no gas stations, no humans, only a 1 lane road THRU the mountain. I start crying. I'm trying not to throw up and the harder the rain falls the harder I cry. Jason tells me to pull it together and I start crying even harder. Because this is what I knew would happen...
A coal truck comes speeding around the corner and we have nowhere to go so we hit it head on and Jason is killed. But not me, I'm fine. Until I'm kidnapped and taken to a trailer where I spend my days as a captured slave.
It could happen.
We are hopelessly lost so Jason finally decides to turn around and we make our way back down the mountain. I'm having a full fledged panic attack at this point. He says everything is fine but he's tapping on his phone trying to get it to somehow find service. When that doesnt work he hands it to me and tells me to get service. Because I have a cell booster in my purse. Not.
We make it to the bottom of the mountain and I tell him to pull over, I have to puke. He pulls into an abandoned post office and I get out and throw up. I get back in the car and immediately open the door and get out and throw up again. He yells at me to get in the car. I look at him with snot and tears, mid puke, and ask if he's serious. He says, "get in the car, NOW." I was fuming!! Not only had he gotten us nearly killed by a imaginary coal truck, he is now yelling at me WHILE I'm puking. Well, I hadn't seen the cast of Deliverance pull up beside us in a van with all the windows shot out, eying us in the black Lexus. I did hear banjo music though. So I get in the car and neither of us talk. We pass a fork in the road and he asks which way to go and as we are trying to get to FL, I tell him to go South. So of course, he goes North. 20 minutes down the road, he finally stops to ask for directions to 77 and the man tells him how to get there. He gets in the car and turns around and I ask where we are going and he says back the way we came, 20 miles, to South. Imagine that.
I'm fuming. I told him about 10 times I wanted to punch him in the face. Then I tell him I need to pee. We pass a Hardees and he says, lets stop at a gas station. We pass a gas station and I say, there's one, and he wants to find a bigger one. I really have to pee so I ask him to stop at McDonalds. He keeps driving. Looking for a big gas station. That never appears. So we end up on 77 and we are now on the interstate with nowhere to stop. I'm FUMING MAD! And then I look over and he's laughing. Know what's not a good idea? Laugh at your mad wife.
We find a rest area and pull into it and it's raining. We get out of the car and there's a lady with 2 dogs. She pulls one by the leash and says, cmon Tucker, and I start bawling. We run into the rest area and Jason's flip flop hits the wet tile and he nearly does a split.
We laugh about it, blah blah blah and get down the road. We are now at 5pm and we are 2 hours from Russell. 6.5 hours on the road.
We stop for dinner in Charlotte and a really bad storm rolls in. While we are sitting in the booth inside, Jason gets a weird look on his face and I turn to see what he's looking at and he's watching a huge tree branch fall on our car.
We make it home about 2am and have a good night's rest. I woke up today and immediately started crying. It's weird how a day can make you so sad. My heart was heavy, I was just really sad. I miss the boys and I hate that my first Mother's Day is so empty.
We were going to St Augustine to see the boy's tree and to dinner with Mom and Dad. Jason goes and starts the car and I leave behind him. Assuming he has the house keys, I hand lock the door. I get in the car and he says to me, "I don't have the keys, can you go lock the door?" I tell him I hand locked it. Then we both realize at the same time, we are locked out of the house.
Nothing we can do so we head to Mom and Dad's. The kids were in St Aug having lunch and they had asked their Mom if they could go by and see the tree. So it worked out that we met up with them. I saw the tree and couldn't stop the tears. This is so unfair. It's Mother's Day and I'm visiting the tree that we planted in memory of our boys. Just really sucks. But the kids were there, we had a good time visiting with them, was great that I got to see them on Mother's Day.
We went to dinner and had a nice time with Mom and Dad and head home. To break into our house. We have lived here a few months and have seen a neighbor here and there but not often. Tonight, as we are trying to break in, every neighbor is out and about and wanting to talk to us. So we go into the garage and close the door so we can break in in private. Jason tried a few different tools and was having no luck. Good news/bad news. Our house is hard to break into.
He had 5 drill batteries and they all had about 5 seconds of power on them. Disaster. But, my awesome husband, finally got us in.
Our life isn't dull. Never has been, I'm quite sure never will be. Today was hard. But I woke up to texts, emails and fb messages from so many sweet friends that wanted me to know they were thinking of me, praying for me, and wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. I can't even say how much that meant to me.
My heart is broken. But the salve that is healing the break are 3 kids who love me, who let me love them. My husband who I love more than anything. We can laugh, we can cry, I can tell him how badly I want to punch him in the face, we can get lost for hours and still come out smiling. My parents, who cried with me as they were hugging me, standing looking at a tree, instead of holding their grandsons. A friend who knew how hard today was for me, so made an effort to make it easier by bringing her kids, my stepkids, who she so willingly lets me love, to spend some time with.
Today sucked but it also didn't. I had friends who were there for me, I had friends that ignored me all together. I had people who wished me Happy Mother's Day, I had other's who didn't. But everytime the pain got overwhelming, I got a text. I got a call, I got an email. I can't be mad at the people who have moved on without me because I might miss out on the ones who are walking with me.
It's my first Mother's Day without my boys. I hated it. But I can't be mad. I'm a Mom. My babies are in heaven but they are still mine. They are part of me, for always.
I made it through today. In 2 days I'll face my due date. I'm sure we will face some stupid something or other that will make it interesting but I won't face it alone.
Thank you. Each one of you who is standing with me, who is holding me up, who is reminding and acknowledging the very thing my heart desired.
Being reminded, I'm a mom.