Thursday, May 9, 2013

I am a Mom- I will celebrate Mother's Day...

I have never missed someone like I missed Jason while I was in KY and he was so far away in FL.  Sounds a little pathetic and cry me a river probably, as I flew out Mon morning and he drove in Thurs morning.  But it was a long time to be without the person who has held your hand, held you while you've cried, held your heart for 3 years and has become the other part of who I am.

Sound dramatic?  Well, I probably shouldn't tell you that he calls Wed night to tell me that he is on his way, he didn't want to wait til the next morning to leave, and I was so excited I started to cry.  Then I was so nervous that he was driving alone, at night, through the mountains, I started to cry even more.


But I can't help it.  My whole world was in that car.  My best friend.  My lover.  My husband.  My boy's daddy.  My everything.  I didn't sleep all night.  Then my knight in grey vans comes riding up in a black SUV and I ran out and jumped in his arms like it had been 3 years, not 3 days, since I last saw him.

He brought with him my Mother's Day gifts.  He has always done a very good job of making me feel loved, adored and special.  He is a good man.  He's actually pretty much the best.  He listens, he understands, he knows me.  So he knew what I wanted more than anything.

The ache and longing for Tucker and Fletcher doesn't go away.  I don't feel like I'm allowed to celebrate the pregnancy, the births, our babies, because it ended wrong.  So according to a lot of people, I'm to move forward, don't look back and just realize that crappy things happen and it's time to see the silver lining and just lets move it forward because this is getting to be a smidge uncomfortable for others who are used to me being jokey or sarcastic or dramatic...not sad and real and broken.

I want to see pictures of our babies.  I want to see pictures of me pregnant.  Yes, both make me cry, but as sad as it makes me, it also takes me back to the best time of my life.  Pregnant with Jason's babies.  My beautiful Fletcher.  Our perfect Tucker.  I want to show everyone I see.  But I don't want to share them with anyone.  I get tired of "Oh, wow, they are beautiful, they look like real babies."  I understand.  I don't know what people assume happened to me or what I gave birth to, but I did, in fact, give birth to 2 beautiful baby boys that look like 2 beautiful baby boys.

Jason made a shadow box of the hats the boys wore after they were born.  The blankets the nurses wrapped them in.  Jason sent me flowers after Tucker died and we were still expecting the best for Fletcher.  The card said, simply, "to the strongest woman I know, I love you."  The dried flowers and the card is in the shadowbox.  Ornaments mom had made.  Their feet and handprints.  Everything we have left of the boys is in that box.

He also made me a picture book.  Pictures of me with the kids.  Painting, baking, playing, laughing.  Pictures of me pregnant.  Pictures of us getting pregnant.  When you go thru IVF they arent x-rated so you can do that.  Pictures of our ultrasounds.  Pictures of us finding out they were both boys.  Pictures of our boys.  Pictures of us holding them.  Pictures of their tree.  Pictures of as at the tree.  Letters the kids wrote me.  Letters that made me cry, that I cherish, that I adore.

This Mother's Day I don't have any of my kids with me.  I have 3 in heaven, I have 1 in TN somewhere, I have 3 in FL but they are all in my heart.  Always and forever in my heart.

I have a husband who knew that I didn't want jewelry.  I didn't want a trip.  I wanted to celebrate the lives we created, the lives we are part of and the journey it took us on.  I love that man.  I love those kids.  I miss my boys.

But I am blessed.  I have loved, I have lost but I have become a mom so I will celebrate this year the 2 little miracles who made me, finally, what I always have longed to be...Momma.

I am their Momma.  Death can't take that from me.  Nothing can take that from me.  I want my boys, in heaven, celebrating me, their Momma, with the people I know will help them.  Popsey, Grandma, Papaw, they didn't get to see me here as a mom but this Mother's Day they get to spend with Tucker and Fletcher.

My boys.

The boys who made me a mom.

I hope I'm making my boys proud.  Tucker, Fletcher, Momma loves you!  So much, sweet babies!   Thank you for giving me the best gift I have ever received.  You boys were the best of your daddy and I.  I can't hold you, I can't rock you, I can't sing to you here, but I can whisper, I can pray and I can dream about you always.

Forever, and always, in your Momma and Daddy's hearts, sweet boys.  We miss you!