Friday, July 2, 2010


I went out with some girlfriends to dinner tonight and saw 3 guys I've dated. Jacksonville is the biggest city in the country and I can't go anywhere without seeing someone I've been out with.

It's tiring. It's annoying. It's exhausting. I'm sad. 4th of July was one of Jonas' favorite holidays. I remember years when we'd take him downtown to watch the fireworks. Last year I went to one of my best friend's for a cookout. Brought a guy I was dating. It didn't work out. Clearly. This year I'm going stag...

A lot of people I know are sad for what they had and lost, as far as guys go. I don't know what it says about me but I look back on all the guys I've dated over that past few years, and I've dated a lot of guys, I don't feel like I've lost out on any of them. None of them are the one that got away. If anything, running into the guys tonight, confirmed to me that I made the right decision in not dating them anymore.

I guess what's most hard is what I miss the most, I have no control over. I miss J more everyday. I pray that he's ok, that he's taken care of. That he's loved, that he feels special and that he knows what a great little boy he is.

When it comes to matters of the heart, I don't have much, if any, control over my emotions. I have my job. I have my family. I have my friends. What I don't have is my little boy. It's a pain few people understand and no one can really share with me. Aside from my parents. Who lost their grandson when I lost my little boy..

I'm going to be stronger. I'm going to not be that girl who will give attention to guys simply because they give attention to me. I didn't know how great my job would be until I started it. It was a rough 14 months of searching but I feel like the job I've got is the right job for me. I had a job in the "meantime" that seemed like a great opportunity. Until I realized it was a scam. So much like dating. The irony of the that isn't lost on me.

I was fooled once and I was heartbroken when everything came out. God has brought me through too much for that to happen again. I heard something recently that said "Don't forget to laugh, you never know who's falling in love with your smile." All I can do is continue to do what I know to do. The guys I've dated have been a good lesson in a lot of things. The biggest lesson is to follow and trust your heart. I'm sad. I'm missing my family, my little boy, having a family to take care of. But God hasn't brought me this far to leave me now.

I'm blessed. I can be sad but I know that tomorrow when I wake up I'll be excited to see what new people, circumstances and life brings to me. I know the heart of my God. Whenever I forget that I can think of me sitting on his lap and Him reassuring me. I love J and would do anything in the world for him. How much more does my Heavenly Father want to do for me? I'm waiting to see...

I know it will be well worth the wait!

Happy 4th to you all. I pray it's filled with friends, family and many blessings! I'm ready to see what blessings are in store for me...

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