My heart is heavy. I guess whether you are raised right or raised wrong everyone has demons they face. And I'm ok with that. Fight your demons. But fight them, don't push them off onto other people. Especially people who love, care and pray for you.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. No, it's copying. And I hate being copied. Almost as much as I hate jokes. Be your own person. If you're upset with someone, man up and own it. If you want something changed, be adult enough to confront it and change it. If you feel like someone has wronged you, talk to them. Don't run away and hide. How far does that get you? How's that working out?
I don't always handle myself in the smartest of ways. There are circumstances I could handle better. There are always things I could do different. But I'm not mad with who I am. And how I treat my family, or friends, or strangers, for that matter. I'm a good person. I'm a fun person. I'm a nice person to know.
I get needy sometimes and that neediness manifests itself in my looking for attention in places I need to delete off my radar. No one or nowhere bad but no where that's going to be a straight shot to where I want to be.
I know who I am. I'm going to be 32 in a few months and I feel more me than I've felt in a long time. Not divorced Melissa. Not miscarried Melissa. Not laid off Melissa. Not lost Jonas Melissa. God has taken each and everyone of those hard lessons and shown who I can be despite them. I'm not this way because of what I've faced. I'm this way in spite of all the hell I went through. And I came out on a better ground. My aunt said it best. My legs aren't shaky anymore. The ground beneath me is solid, I have a strong foothold. My job is going great. Step 1. God's paying attention. What else am I ready for on my stable, stiletto wearing legs? Not sure yet. I have so many hopes and dreams and ideas. I didn't place them in my heart. God did. And he's making sure I'm ready for those blessings as well.
I don't need riches, a man, a house....to validate who I am. I have a loving family. I have caring friends. I have a great job. I don't have to make something beautiful of my life. My life is beautiful because of the blessings I've already received. I'll continue to pray prayers of thanksgiving and prayers with answers. This isn't all that's there is for me. There's so much more. I wish more people were on board to join me on this journey but I can't be mad about that. I'll celebrate the ones who are celebrating with me and continue to pray for the ones who aren't. For whatever reason. The are facing their own "meantimes" and I'm praying for them as well.
If we've ever needed you, Lord it's now....
Need you now God. For reconciliation, for healing, for revival, for guidance. My God is big enough. And I'm blessed because of it!
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