Lord it's now...
New job, new stress. Traded the stress of unemployment with the stress of a new job. I don't like the first 2 months of a job. I like to be in control and I'm a perfectionist. Especially I guess being in radio for that time and spending a year learning a new business, being back in real estate I'm not very forgiving with myself not knowing stuff that I excelled at not too long ago. There's a learning curve. I'm trying to cut myself some slack. Close (fingers crossed) to maybe selling something. A month at the new job, that would be fantastic!
Homesick. Talked to Nana tonight then the phone went to Cooper. I didn't know he was going to be on the phone and it took a little out of me. Haven't seen him or Porter in a year. Carried on a conversation with Cooper and he tried to put Porter on the phone. Talked to them through my tears...I miss them. I know how important my aunts are to me. I want to be that important to them. Through the circumstances and distance, it's not easy. And it weights heavily on my heart.
Spent some time with some different circles of friends tonight. I'm in a good place. I can't complain. Again, unfortunately, doesn't stop me from wanting more. You get an inch and want a mile immediately. I know that's not how life happens. But seeing different situations and circumstances puts things in perspective. I miss Jonas. That doesn't change. I want him to know I'm thinking about him and love him. Have to pray that somewhere in his little heart and mind he knows that.
My heart is heavy for a lot of things and people and circumstances right now. I'm where I'm at because it's where I'm supposed to be. I don't want to be a white knuckled Christian, holding on stressed out until the next thing, good or bad, happens. "We are desperate for your hand, reaching out, reaching out. All our hearts, all our strength, all our minds are at your feet..."
I don't know at what point in my life, my walk, my road I'll finally be able to surrender control. I have so much on my heart. So much out of my control. So much I have laying on me. I need to lean on the people I can count on, trust in what I know is true and do what I know is right.
"If we've ever needed you, Lord it's now..." I need you now, Lord. As do so many people close to me. I pray that each and everyone of us finds the peace and guidance we need to get where we know we need to be.
I'm blessed. So much more than I let myself realize. Tomorrow will be a really good day!