Thursday, May 3, 2012

Big girl panties

This has been a rough few days.  I know from experience the 2nd and 3rd day after surgery is more rough than the day of surgery.  Same with getting bad news it seems. 

Monday I was in shock I think.  A lot of tears shed and questions floating around and more tears shed but Jason and I pulled together, comforted each other and felt confident we would be one of the couple who takes infertility in stride.  We are so strong, nothing can touch us.  Ha.  Hahahaha.  Oh, infertile novices we are.

Tuesday at work pretty much everyone I saw asked what was wrong.  Was I ok?  Did I feel bad?  What was on my mind.  Well acting isn't in my future as I felt I was doing a pretty good job of fooling everyone.  And I wore my biggest earrings to distract from my puffy eyes.  I pretty much couldnt stop crying all day.  Makes for working a full 8 hours and then going to an after hours work event fun. 

Wed was much of the same except I went from feeling sad to being angry.  I have someone who should be a no brainer to call for questions but that isn't an option for me to call.  Want to send hate mail.  I dare you to pull out in front of me.  Try it.  Put mayo on my sandwich by mistake and better run fast!  I'm furious that someone who should be part of our lives isn't but makes themselves part of other's, it makes me want to beat someone.  Completely normal, no?

I trust God and I know somehow this is part of His plan for us so that means I shouldn't be crying, right?  I mean, it's everyday that you are told as you're sitting on a table preparing to get pregnant that not only will you not be getting pregnant that day but for you to get the thing you want most in the world is going to cost more than a car, with no insurance help, but HEY, It's part of a plan so just keep it together AUGHHHHH! 

Today was sad and angry.  And guilt.  Because I'm picking fights with my husband.  This is Melissa.  This is Melissa on hormones.  This is Melissa on hormones dealing with all kinds of crazy stuff.  Yikes!  Not pretty.  I won't be offended if you see me on the street and run into a store.  I'm a freak.  I get it.

See? Angry. Not proud of the emotions but this is an honest blog. Not woe is me though. Never has it entered my mind, why me? Why us? Why not us? We're strong. We have a strong foundation, we have a relationship that starts with Christ. We have family to support us. I firnly believe that God is guiding our steps and leading us down the right path. Still doesnt stop the grieving process that we are going through with this.

Jason has been so encouraging. SO amazingly encouraging. Through his stress and pain and fears, he's encouraging me. That certainly doesnt help the waterworks but I would not change a thing.

This is lonely.  Man is this lonely.  This happens to all kinds of people everyday.  But this has never happened to me.  Or Jason.  So we are processing. And dealing best we can.  I know all about being judged for handling things differently than other people would who have been through it.  OR from people who have never been through it but read about it once.  OR from people who are just mean and like to make others cry.  Lonely!.  Getting on forums to find out other people's journey is downright depressing.  People don't know what to say so most say nothing.  Other's encourage you which is lovely and kind but catch me on the upswing of a mood swing or a crying fit and it will make me cry harder because I really just want to crawl in a hole and hide.  Crazy?  Yes!

I appreciate all the prayers.  I appreciate that I have a loving, kind, comforting husband.  I am so thankful for the family and friends I have seeing me through this. 

Jeremiah 29:11 (my interpretation) "For I know the plans I have for Jason And Missy, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper us and give us a bright hope and future."  To prosper and give us hope.  Not show us babies through dreams I have every night because we won't have one of our own.  My God isn't a mean God.

Today I took some time alone.  Went to the pool, went to the grocery store.  It was hard.  I've been such a happy person lately I've forgotten what it feels like to be sad.  To not have a belly laugh.  To have my smile not reach my eyes.  BUT I have been here before and I got through it.  This time I have my best friend nudging me along the way. 

Tomorrow I go to the IVF class to find out everything I never wanted to know about having a baby this way.  I'll put on my big girl panties and go by myself and know that this too is part of God's plan. 

I'm blessed because I know that even through the tears God is encouraging me and preparing me for the road ahead.  I'll be wearing high heels during my pregnancy, maybe He's just building up my endurance now for the road ahead. 

Blessed. Still and always.

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