Saturday, May 5, 2012

Dog poop, disappointments and the brown folder

When Satan starts attacking it usually means it's because God is up to something.  Right?!  If the past few days are any indication, we are on the path to some major blessings!

The appointment yesterday for the IVF class was disappointing to say the least.  I begrudgingly went because I had to.  Specifically asked for a nurse we know because if I had to go thru this I at least wanted someone I knew and trusted.  Got there and that nurse was at the other location.  Of course.  The class was supposed to last 2 hours because they cover everything from shots, to financing, to options.  We were in and out in 45 mins.  The nurse looked like she was going to panic when I started crying.  Asking the stupid question of, are you ok?  No, sweetheart, I'm not ok.  (still angry)

No one from billing was available to answer questions. Some of the questions I asked were answered with a blank stare and a "good question, I'll find out." I asked how normal people afford this and was told "yea, it's really expensive."  There's a scene from a movie I've seen where someone is slurping soup and the main lady is staring a hole into their head and all the sudden their head explodes.  Yea, I lived that.  Blank stare, good questions...not exactly a comforting appt for something that to me is so hugely important.  I left with the dreaded brown folder I saw so many other couples with at the last scan appt and a billion questions with no answers.

I cried all day and night.  I couldnt help it.  This is overwhelming.  Do you pay for 3 cycles so you get the discount or do you hope and pray that 1 cycle will be enough.  Have to sign up for a genetic test kit to swab my mouth for dna to see if I'm a carrier of cystic fibrosis.  Blood work papers.  A timeline of what the next 2 months will look like.  The knowledge that the 5 days of 1 shot a day that I had before would increase to 10 days of 3 shots a day.  Jason thought I was crazy before?  Ha!  What about adoption vs IVF?  What about the miscarriage rate with IVF?  How does that factor into the decision of 1 cycle vs 3?  I don't know if this would have been so overwhelming if I didn't fully expect to be pregnant now by easier means.

Where is God in all of this?  That's what I'm trying to figure out. Not that I think God has left me or forsaken me at all.  But where is He in this?  How do we make a decision?  Do we trust that God will heal Jason and we'll have a baby with no help and try that way?  Do we trust that the first round of IVF will work and explore that?  Is there a baby or more somewhere in the world that we are supposed to adopt?  I don't want to go outside of God's will for us.  This is the most important decision I've ever prayed about. 

Today Brand pooped in his cage.  Then he laid in it.  Then it looked like maybe he danced around as well.  It was disgusting.  So before I leave for work I help carry the crate out, with the dog in it, sliding back and forth in the poop that is smeared on the pan, and leave Jason to tend to the kids and the dog.  Then he leaves for tball and left the bat bag at home.  I get to work and get an email that my best prospect bought from someone else.  Then I got 2 more emails of much the same.  Get back up, trip.  Get back up, fall on your face.  Get back up, face a mound of dog poop.  But I'm getting back up. AND I haven't cried today.

God is in this.  I know He is.  This won't break us. I know it won't.  Somehow this will be used for His glory, I just know it. 

We will add to the chaos of our family.  The kids, the dog, the jobs, the husband, the never ending loads of laundry, the never ending pressure to sell homes I place on myself, the desire to be a better Christian, wife, daughter, friend...this is one more thing on my plate that gives me the opportunity to see how God will best use me, guide me and bless me through it. 

I'm blessed because today I haven't cried.  And that's a big blessing to everyone I'm around.  My smile is back today.  My belly laugh can't be far behind.

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