Sunday, February 3, 2013

Holy Crap,Tattoos and Prayer

15,000+ pageviews.  Holy Crap!!  That means that my blogs, my words, my neurotic feelings have been read over 15,000 times.  Amazing to me. 
I have really been having a hard time lately.  Anytime you experience loss I think you go thru denial.  Maybe it's your bodys way of self preservation, if I felt the way I felt now, all the time, I would never get out of bed.  But luckily I have enough good moments that I trick myself into thinking I'm better than I am so at least I get out of the house.  Then I have breakdowns in the car, bathrooms, outside of restaurants, wherever, but I'm out of the house.  Success!  blah
I miss them.  No way around it.  No way to pretty it up.  My heart is aching, my body is empty, I miss my boys.  For awhile babies didn't bother me.  I guess I was grieving something different at that point because I could see babies or pictures of babies and I'd be ok.  Now I can't.  They send me over the edge.  Seeing toddler boys sends me into a panic.  I close my eyes and I picture what Tucker and Flecther would both look like at 6 month olds.  As 2 year olds.  But it's not a fun game because I don't know what they will look like.  I have the mental picture of my boys as they were when I held them.  And that has to somehow be enough for me until I see them again.  This is the worst kind of pain.  It doesn't go away.  I miss being pregnant.  I miss counting down the months until they would be here.  I miss talking to Jason about how we would manage 2 newborns at the same time.  I hate that we ever even questioned if we could because I know we would have figured it out and we would have done a great job.  I'm so sad that we will never hold them again.  See them smile, hear them cry, comfort them and sing to them.  That just hit me the other night, I'll never get those precious moments with the boys I love so much.  There's nothing fair about that. 
I wanted something that I could look at whenever I wanted, that would always be there for me to see and remember my boys.  This tattoo has given me that.   It makes them feel closer to me somehow.  So now I have a tattoo, 2 boxes of ashes and a beautiful tree to remember our sons.  I'm trying not to be bitter that that is what we got out of this. 
I've been a Christian since I was a young child.  I have always had a very strong faith.  And I've had a good life but it's not always been an easy life.  I've gone through dark valleys that lasted way too long but I always believed that God was directing my path.  I prayed my mom healed when she was diagnosed with cancer.  I have always had a strong prayer life and that has given me strength and comfort through some hard times.  I'm struggling right now.  Just being honest.  I had so many people praying for us.  For our boys to be ok.  For us to bring them home healthy.  If my prayers had been enough then they would be moving strong inside me now, months away from meeting their mom and dad.  But my prayers didn't seem like enough.  The prayers of so many people who so selflessly prayed for me, for us, for our family, for our boys. 
I don't understand.  I know that God doesn't cause bad things to happen to people.  I know that He equips us to walk through the hard times.  But I feel cheated, I feel suckered and I feel duped.  I had too many signs that Fletcher was going to make it.  That we would have our miracle.  Then I deliver Fletcher the exact same way I delivered Tucker, which no mother should ever had to go through, and I watched my boys die.  I don't understand.  What were the prayers for?  Were they for my peace?  For Jason's understanding?  I know God's will is for our good.  This doesn't feel good.  This feels really sucky. 
But my boys mattered.  They were loved, they were wanted, they were perfect.  I know they were greeted in Heaven by some very loving grandparents who I know are taking excellent care of my little boys.  I just don't know why my prayers couldn't heal my boys.  And that's something I'm working through.  God hasn't left me.  He hasn't forsaken me.  I will get through this at some point stronger.  Just hard right now to see that through the tears. 
I have a beautiful life.  I really do.  I will get out of this valley and I will be ok.  I will never understand, this side of heaven, but I can let this make me bitter, or I can let it make me better.  I don't want anything ugly attached to my boys so I will continue to do my best, even if it's through my tears, to be the best I can be.  There are 2 precious little boys who deserve that from their mom!

No comments:

Post a Comment