I had a dr appt that Monday morning. Jason didn't go with me, one of the only ones he couldn't make. It was much the same. Boys moving nonstop, ovaries still swollen, talk about my continuous puking. See you in 4 weeks, anatomy scan at the high risk dr that Thurs.
I started cramping a few hours after my appt. I'd been having Braxton Hicks for awhile so it didn't worry me too much. The dr told me the babies were growing so the cramping would be off and on. Went to Mom and Dad's and the cramps got worse. My back was killing me. I was on my hands and knees trying to get some relief. Called the dr on call expecting to get something like hydrate well and put your feet up. Instead I was asked if I was bleeding or if my water had broke, bc if so then there was nothing they could do. I was furious and really put off that she even suggested that. About an hour later I went to the bathroom and peed. I felt a strong gush and was terrified and looked down but there was nothing abnormal. I went back to the couch and realized I had wet myself. I went back to the bathroom and knew at that point that my water had broke. I went cold. Literally felt myself go into shock. I called for Mom bc I couldnt figure out how to tell Jason. I will never forget the look on Mom's face when I told her. I saw her fear and her heart break. She asked if I was bleeding and I told her no. Then I checked and found out I was. I cant even describe the way I felt. Shock took over, i kept apologizing and everyone was rushing around. They rushed to get me something to change into to go to the hospital. By the time I got to the car I had soaked through it and had to change again. I will never forget that car ride, Jason driving so fast, us both thinking if we got there soon enough they could do something. I had seen the boys hours earlier. They were fine. I've never been so scared in my life.
The ER dr was awful. I had blood all over me and was using a bed pan. He never examined me bc 1. I was pregnant and he was scared of it I think and 2. I told him I had hyperstimulated with IVF and he was terrified he would pop an ovary or something. Stupid man. We had an ultrasound and for the first time our moms got to see the boys. They were moving and kicking and flipping. But Tucker had very little fluid left. They told us sometimes it replenishes itself. That's the moment I really believed everything would somehow be ok. It would be too cruel for our moms to see the boys for them not to make it.
The dr came in and told me I probably had a UTI and they were releasing me. I had been in the ER the Fri night prior for dehydration and vomiting and they were going to admit me but sent me home with meds instead. I was scared about going home bleeding and leaking fluid and was insistent that I was not leaving. He said my dr would not admit me for a UTI. I was panicked. I was yelling at him that I would not leave and to get my dr on the phone. When I talked to her she said since I had no blood and the dr indicated I had peed on myself and my water had not broke, there was no need to keep me. I told her there was blood all over me. She said the dr examined me and saw no blood. He never even got within 2' of me. She immediately admitted me to labor and delivery. I never had a UTI.
When I got up there they did a swab and it turned purple which indicated that what I was leaking was amniotic fluid. Was basically told that baby A wouldn't last thru the night and baby B would soon follow.
I was checked out daily by both my OB and High Risk. Was told, daily, by 2 sets of dr's that the odds were horrible but keep believing. Pray. Have faith. They couldn't believe that I was still pregnant with them. Dr's cried w us. Nurses cried with us. Nurses that were off called nurses that were on to check on us. We were surrounded with love and care. I prayed more than I ever have. I was prayed over. I really believed we'd be ok. We saw the boys, moving, waving, flipping.
Wed I started having contractions. The worst pain of my life. I had gone to the bathroom that day and passed something really large. It was a clot the size of a small orange. i just knew from what it felt like that i had delivered Tucker. I couldnt bring myself to face that to look and screamed for the nurse and Jason. They came in to get me and Jason looked and promised me over and over that it wasnt Tucker. It was a clot. I was hysterical and could not stop screaming and crying. I cant even describe the total despair i felt.
I didn't have an epidural and no one really came out and said that the pain was labor. It lasted about 18 hours. The next morning I was really nauseous from medicine they had given me so they gave me meds that made me sleep. When the high risk dr came in I was in and out of sleep and missed that Tucker had moved into the birth canal.
Everyone went home for the night around 930 bc I had done well all day and the pain had mostly stopped. Jason left the room for a minute to go down the hall. I was alone for the first time since I was admitted. This is the part that replays in my mind non stop. I went to the bathroom and I felt a gush and assumed it was another clot. I looked down and it was Tucker. I had delivered my baby. I started screaming. I called Jason and he came running down the hall. I pulled the emergency cord and the nurses came running. I don't remember a lot. I went into shock and only remember Jason telling me to stay with him and nurses holding me while they cut the cord. I looked over a saw nurses and the dr crying. I had an honest fear that I was going to die. I don't remember when my parents got there but I remember my mom holding my face and talking to me. We held Tucker. He was beautiful. He was perfect. He had my nose and my lips. I didn't know that he was alive when he was born. We held him for a long time. It doesn't seem like long enough.
Everyday after that I had scans and Fletcher had plenty of fluid. He was as busy as ever, waving, flipping, moving around. We were told he looked perfect. But not to get our hopes up bc the odds were really bad that I would deliver him in a few hours. Then hours turned to days. I still hadn't delivered Tucker's placenta so they were very concerned about infection. Said if there were signs of infection they would have to induce to protect me. I don't know that I would have ever let that happen. I was obsessively checking my temp to make sure it wasnt rising. i never did get the tell tell signs of infection that they kept assuming I had. They said they could go ahead and induce since I would lose him anyway. That was never an option. Even in the quiet moments when I couldn't stop the fear, couldn't stop the sobs, couldn't stand that I had no control over protecting my baby other than to lay there and pray and try to stay strong for him.
It was a constant roller coaster of the worst kind. I told them my fears of delivering Fletcher the same way, I couldn't do that again. They assured me that if I went into labor I'd have signs of infection or my water would break first. That it would not be a surprise like Tucker had been.
9 long days later and we were feeling pretty settled. I was going to be on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy and I was ready to do whatever I could do for Fletcher. 9 days in I started having bad stomach pains. I was on a ton of antibiotics to ward off any infection. I had 40 IV doses and more than 50 doses orally. The nurses told me that it was gas pains. They gave me anti gas meds. It was awful pain. At this point I was able to get up to use the bathroom only so I couldn't walk around to work it out. The next morning the dr prescribed double doses of the anti gas stuff. That next night was the longest night of my life. And the worst.
Mom and Dad didn't leave. Jason was there with me of course. I was on all 4's screaming and rebuking Satan and the pain and praying. They came in and put contraction monitors on but it didn't really show contractions. Jason laid in bed with me and held me as I screamed and cried. No one was sleeping. Everyone was exhausted. Everyone was praying. At one point I was on the toilet and mom was in there with me. The nurse came in and gave me a shot of morphine in my thigh and 2 pain pills. Thought it was a lot for gas but no one said anything otherwise. It didn't help. i was desperate for this pain to stop.
At 530 that morning I went to the bathroom, by myself and I had the exact same feeling of a gush. I looked down and I saw my beautiful baby boy moving. I had delivered Fletcher the exact same way. Alone. My head was spinning, I heard myself screaming. I couldn't imagine telling Jason that I had delivered Fletcher too so I screamed for Mom. She came in and I was hysterical and she ran and got the nurses. The nurses were panicked bc Fletcher was alive and she was in shock and was crying and trying to hold me. A charge nurse came and took care of cutting the cord. Dad carried Fletcher to the other room they took me to. For about 20 mins dad held his little grandson and his little grandson held onto Dad's finger.
Fletcher lived for awhile. I have never been more hysterical, more empty, more scared. I asked mom to pray for my healing bc I had an all consuming fear that I was going to die. That something was wrong with me and my family who had just been through hell were going to lose me too.
I went in to surgery. Came out and ended up having to have a blood transfusion. I had a constant stream of nurses and dr's and anesthesiologists coming to check on me. To hug us. To cry with us. I went in between total numbness and sobs that came from a deep place I didn't know I had.
The next night, which was Christmas, we left the hospital. Not with our sons, with 2 memory boxes. With no book on how to move on. How to face this new reality. How to handle the new life that is without 2 very loved babies.
And here we are. I had to get this out. I feel like the more it is told maybe the less it will haunt me. I hear myself screaming still. I see the looks of heartache and fear on the faces of those I love most in this world, when I tell them the awful news. My water broke. I'm bleeding. I delivered Tucker. I delivered Fletcher. Watching both of our sons suffocate to death and not being able to do 1 thing to make it better. To heal them. To do anything other than sob the most gut wrenching sob I hope I never experience again. I can't get over the feeling of delivering both our sons. The contractions. The labor. The pain. Mothers say the pain of child birth is forgotten the moment you hold your baby. I am pretty sure that none of this pain will ever be forgotten.
I love our boys. I miss them. I would trade everything I have to have them back. I am trying to heal so that I can remember them as they deserve to be remembered. They lived. If only for an hour or 2. They were held by their parents and their grandparents. They knew they were loved.